Okay so I totally suck at titles...no one's perfect!
This is my blog. Please do not label me with more terrible names besides "infertile". If you have never had a miscarriage, please do not call me "deadbabymama" because I have. If you have never had to inject yourself once, much less 200+ times for 3 IVF cycles, are now pregnant and insensitive enough to label me because I have had 3 miscarriages just stop here because you will not get it.
My husband gave me my first intramuscular shot (for this cycle) the other night and I did not even feel it. He is a wonderful, beautiful, supportive awesome human being and I love him more than I can describe with words. I am extremely emotional right now because of coming off the bcpill, the Lupron putting me into menopause, the estrogen shot, the e-string adding more estrogen and the terribly painful Lovenox shots that have left bruises all over my belly. In spite of all this, he loves me anyway and continues to have my back.
Today I had to skip out on the baby shower. The people who are close to us, the ones that moved up their time frame of getting pregnant to when I did my last IVF cycle (when I only had a 20 - 30% chance of success) had their baby shower today. They said they just wanted to have a baby the same time we did so we could raise our children together. Their baby is due the same week ours would have been due. So, I woke up crying. I could not dismiss the thought that this is the day I would have had my first baby shower. Today I would have been giddy over our dream come true: successfully conceiving and carrying a child that Richard and I made together. Today I would have decorated my home with pink or blue balloons. Today I would have received the cake decorated with baby booties. Today I would have shown all of my guests the nursery. Today I would have hung up all the onesies, nighties and matching outfits. Today I would have organized all of the socks, hats, mittens, receiving blankets and diapers. Today we would have honored the little bundle of joy I was blessed enough to be carrying.
Thank God for my mother! Last week she offered to take me out if I decided not to go to the shower. I told her "no" though, because I was going. I had decided I would not be weak and defeated and that I would be at that shower even if I only stayed for a little while. But I just couldn't do it. So we went out to lunch. We also went to a little pottery shop we've been frequenting lately where you pick out an item to paint and they glaze and fire it for you..it really is lovely. Last time we were there I painted a little baby girl dressed up as a lady bug and gave it to the person who had the shower today.
I know that one day my mom and sister are going to throw me the mac daddy baby shower. I know that inevitably one day I will be a mother and I won't be able to verbalize my gratitude. But I am not there yet. I am still in limbo.
I have unresolved questions and feelings about my infertility and my miscarriages. For one, when people die there is a funeral. So, why is it that when a woman has a miscarriage, nobody wants to talk about it or even acknowledge it? Friends and family members shy away from conversations pertaining to it or just avoid you all together. For years I wandered around wondering why I felt the way I did...until Richard found the Resolve group for me. If not for that group I would still be feeling like an alien on this planet. Resolve lead to my experience with WUNC public radio. Last month I was part of a show on infertility and if not for that show I would not have met Sasha. She told me she found blogging very therapeutic. I remember thinking "I could never do that. It would be too hard to write out how I feel about my infertility." But she was right. It is much more stressful to hold all of this in. Thanks, Sasha. On the other hand, this is such personal information and that makes me feel extremely vulnerable about sharing it with the world. So even though these are some of my deepest thoughts and questions, I need to get them out...here goes:
What if my babies had a soul? Do they have a soul at 7, 8, 9 weeks? I know what they look like, which I hate to think about, but do they have a soul? If so, am I supposed to do something to honor them? What can I do to let go of this before I do the next transfer?
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4 comments:
Thank you! I really like reading your blog. I'm so glad you find it therapeutic. I feel like I am sometimes guarded with my feelings about infertility, even on my blog. But I try to write what I feel, anyway.
I'm also glad that you didn't go to the shower. Showers are hard anyway, and this one with the timing and significance would have just been way too hard.
I definitely think you should do something to honor your lost babies. They were your hopes and dreams, and it is grieving a big loss. I think it would help you for closure. I have a friend who planted a rose bush for her baby, but whatever you decided, it would be good to honor your little ones in some way. Hugs to you Candace.
Thanks so much for your support, Sasha. I must admit I really need it right now. I am glad you are doing well - you're blog is always the bright spot for me.
Hey, Totally understand you. Especially the baby shower. I know it is hard. I can't ignore the feeling that If I didn't miscarry, I would have been... We'll get our turns soon. Hugs!
You're right, we will...thanks for the positive outlook.
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