It's Been too Long

Sorry! It's just been crazy. Baby girl has been super high needs because of the colic, reflux and a dairy allergy. It took a while to figure it all out + meds + what to eat/not eat. My gosh I love this little girl!!!! She is so sweet and smart and adorable to boot. She's rolling over and trying to sit up and even stand up now. Pretty good for 5 months and not much back/tummy time cuz of the reflux (she throws up a lot). I have also been just so drained since she was born. I thought it was just normal pg/nursing/new mom stuff. Turns out I've had mono. Nice!!! She still won't take a bottle , take a paci, ride in the car without screaming or take a nap. ;) Oh well, I'll just love her through it!

Hope everyone is well!

She's Amazing

Pictures: Playing in her co sleeper (which stays in the living room), playdate, tummy time and father's day with my mom.

God, I love this little precious angel. She is soooooo funny sometimes. When she is not hurting and crying she is cooing and babbling things like "aahhhhbboooo" and "aahhhhggoooo". So of course I say it back to her and she just cracks up and sticks her tongue out before saying it all over again. She's started eating a lot and she has significant rolls - which I think are adorable. She seriously eats about every hour and a half for at least 30 minutes. Also she starts really stocking up at night around 4 PM and stops about 9 PM. And now she is sleeping about 6 hours - AMAZING! Then she'll wake up and go back down for a couple more. Much better than every 3 hours. She'll be 14 weeks next Tuesday. Two weeks later I am supposed to start solid foods...a really hard decision for me. There is so much conflicting information out there. Some say that you should breastfeed exclusively for the first year. Others say it's perfectly fine to start introducing solids at 4 months. I am throughly confused. Plus she has the collic and reflux so it's scary to consider throwing something other than breast milk in the mix. Then again, it may help her keep more down. Then again, some doctors swear introducing solids before 1 year causes stomach lining damage.....AAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! What do I do??? Also, somewhere around 2 1/2 months she decided she would no longer take a bottle...from ANYONE. Yes, we have tried pretty much every bottle out there except one which we've ordered. So, she is getting harder to get full and keep full and she will only eat from me. This makes me think solids are a good idea. So, any/all advice is appreciated on this subject. Oh yeah, and she won't take a paci still - I am basically her paci but that's okay cause one day I'll wish I still was:o>

We missed the fireworks this year but I could care less. Some think we should have taken her but I got some seriously strong gut feelings telling me other wise.

We've had a couple of play dates and I really enjoyed them. Claire has good and bad days so one was great and the other was great but she stayed plugged in and/or cried the whole time. At least I had some adult conversations though, so it was nice.

We are watching the My Baby Can. Read series so she watches the video twice a day. Supposedly she could be able to read by like 9 months or something super crazy! Anyway, she sits in her bouncy seat and watches it every morning. She just loves it, except when we try to change her to the next level - she cries when they play the new songs. OK, so she likes her structure! She sleeps in the middle of our king size bed in something like a baby recliner. I am seriously afraid of putting her anywhere else. I check her several million times per night to see if she is still breathing.

What else? I can't stand to be away from her for more than about an hour and a half. So far most if not all of my instincts have been correct about her, which is an awesome feeling. I love her so much it literally hurts!

So Much I Don't Know Where to Start

I guess I'll start at her 2 month checkup. She's "thriving" and "perfect" according to the doctor. She's 11 pounds and 23 3/4 inches long. Screamed her head off when they gave her the shots and woke up later with inflamed injection sites screaming. That was horrible. I gave her Tylenol and it did seem to help but next time I'll be giving it to her an hour before the visit.

Collic Update:

Still pretty bad. I am really the only one who can soothe her still. Tried the black stuff "collic calm" and she did really well at first. It helped her sleep and seemed to make her more comfortable....but....big big but....it really constipated her. Also the charcoal in her makes it very thick and she was crying once when we gave it to her - asperated it and stopped breathing for a minute. It was horrible. We will probably never give it to her again because of that.

Reflux Update:

Was doing really well. People I am not going to mention refused to believe she had reflux because she is thriving and gaining weight so quickly. So, we took her of the Prevacid on Thursday of last week. By Sunday she was projectile vomiting. Richard left town Monday and I've been picking up the pieces since. She is sooooooooo uncomfortable and it is awful to watch. So, I put her back on the Prevacid and threatened to pull rank, go postal and kick ass if anyone intervenes with her meds again (outside of her doctor). She was sleeping 4 - 6 hours at night now only 30 minutes to an hour because of the pain. She wakes up arching her back and screaming.

Other than that she is absolutely beautiful, smiles all the time now and loves her video that's supposed to teach her to read. I love her and thank God for her every day. It is so fun to snuggle with her and feed her. Speaking of feeding, I do believe that if I let her she would feed 24/7. Little chunky monkey! She really responds well to Richard now too. He was out of town and came back after a week, as soon as he got in the car and said hello to her she started smiling and laughing. It was adorable! More to come...gotta go she's up!

No Sleep But Well Worth It

Ok, so I haven't slept through the night for 8 weeks now. Baby girl has been diagnosed with colic and reflux and is currently taking preva.cid (a protein pump inhibitor) to help with acid production. Her projectile vomiting has gotten better but she still spits up a lot. I understand that the spit up is a result of the muscle between her stomach and esophagus not doing its job properly. Apparently it will develop with age and she will likely out grow this at 7 - 9 MONTHS. She used to let Richard give her a bottle of my breast milk and I'd sleep for 4 - 5 hours. Now she will take a bottle from nobody (ESPECIALLY NOT ME) since she knows I have the goods. She screams the whole time anybody else has her unless she falls asleep which is extremely rare. She can't sleep well because she is so uncomfortable. I feel so bad for her. I am able to soothe her but only because I am mommy and I have the oobies. I feel incredibly guilty that Richard and his mother are not able to enjoy any real time with her because she screams the whole time they have her. The only place they can be with her when she won't scream constantly is in the bath tub. I have been to the doctor with her every week. She is growing really well and is 10 pounds now (started at 6.2) but again, she is so uncomfortable all the time. I finally broke down and tried colli.c calm today (I was reluctant because it is BLACK - super messy and I read some bad reviews on it - nothing major just that it doesn't work). It did instantly soothe her and seemed to help her sleep. I think it's the chamomile...oh well. I love her soooooooooooooo much and she brings me so much joy I just can't even describe it but I am upset that she's miserable about 80% of the time. She also goes through phases when she will not sleep for 24 hours except for 20 minutes at a time. I finally just put her on her wedge in our bed. She's most peaceful there. We are really breaking all the rules but I love her and I will do whatever it takes to make her as comfortable as possible.

I am so sick of the advice and bs from others, but that's a whole nother post! I hope everyone is ok - I don't have time to do much but feed, burp, hold her up for 30 minutes, pump and start all over again. Again, I love her more than words can say so I am not complaining I just don't want my tiny little beautiful baby to be in pain from acid burning her esophagus and stabbing pains in her stomach....UGH!

Reflux

Well, I was right! She has reflux. Most of the time I feed for about an hour (burping her quite often), she sleeps on a wedge, I change her on the wedge, I don't put her down for 20 - 25 minutes after she eats and we use gas drops at each feeding. She spits up a lot, some times vomits and sometimes projectile vomits. Yesterday she projectile vomited to the point it looked like someone poured white paint all over her head. I took her to the doc and they diagnosed her. She is now on an antacid. Anyway, she sleeps a lot during the day and barely at all at night still but I really can't do much about it. I love her so. damn. much. I hate to think about her being in pain with this reflux. It'll take a few days for the meds to work. I've been getting about 2 hours of sleep at a time at night...sometimes only an hour. Still, I have her and I love it. Wouldn't trade it for the world;o>

Long Overdue Update

Claire is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know that sounds cheesy and cliche but it is the honest to God's truth! I love her with all of my heart and certainly more than I ever thought I could. I miss her when I haven't seen her for even a few minutes...that is scary! I am still breast feeding and doing pretty well there. I let Richard give her a bottle when she was just over 3 weeks and she came back to me right away. She was a little upset and unsure so I consoled her with a little breast feeding and some love. She's growing quickly. When she was born she was about 6.2. At the hospital she lost weight and got down to 5.11 and now she's over 7 - probably more like 7.5. She is feeding about every 2.5 hours (start to start) and does not sleep for long periods of time at night (only about 3 hours tops). During the day she likes to sleep but I am trying to get her turned around slowly. She goes through cluster feedings a lot and will sometimes want 20 minutes worth of breast feeding every 30 minutes for about 5 hours - it's crazy! Nice that my boobies seem to work rather well even if my ovaries do not;o>

My dad and sister came this week and my sis really bonded with her quickly! It was so sweet. We had a good time despite my sleep deprivation. We took long walks in the neighborhood every day with Claire in her stroller (I love it!) and I really do feel like I am living someone else's life. There is no more "count down to retrieval, transfer, 2ww, 1st trimester, 2nd trimester, birth". I am finally living and enjoying every second of my current, present life. It is truly unreal.

Much love to those of you who are still trying - please know that you are in my prayers and I want this for you so badly it hurts!

Unbelievable Love - Birth Story at 36 Weeks 6 Days

Last Tuesday (March24) I called the doc and told them I had been having stitch like pain in my upper belly all night long. It was nothing I could time though, it was constant. They (the midwife) said it was a charlie horse to take Tylenol and call back in a couple of hours. I called back and they said get here ASAP. Richard came home from work and I told him to put my bags in the car just in case. He thought I was over reacting. When we got there the doc walked in and asked what was wrong...I started crying. The pain had gotten that bad. She hooked me up to the monitor and it showed that my amniotic fluid levels were below 5 (danger zone). So she looked at me and Richard and goes "we're having a baby TODAY!" We both started crying - it was our 7 year wedding anniversary - 9 year "i love you " anniversary and it was now going to be our child's birthday. We went directly to the hospital as directed. They wanted to slow my contractions because that morning I had a 1/2 a cup of coffee and they did not want any thing in my system for 8 hours. They scheduled my surgery for 5:00pm. After slowing my contractions from 2 -3 minutes apart to 3-5 minutes apart they gave me something for the pain. I waited another 2 hours. At 5:00pm they gave me a spinal block and a pain killer that is supposed to last 24 hours. I threw up almost immediately - 3 times. Then they made me comfortable.

Richard was right there with me. I heard her cry and they took her to be cleaned up. He says he saw her head, she opened one eye looked at them and started screaming. When they finally brought her around to me she was screaming and white. I said 'it's okay, baby" and kissed her and she instantly stopped crying. She knew me! She really knew me! Unbelievable love started there. Everyone told me it was a different kind of love and intense and gave various other descriptions but nothing came close to describing this.

They kept her in the nursery for 4 freaking hours because she was one day pre term. She barely had to be suctioned though, which is great for an early c-section baby because they usually have a lot of fluid from not going through the birth canal. I am guessing since I was in labor for so long (almost 24 hours) her lungs got squeezed a lot.

When they finally brought her to me I fell more in love. She immediately latched on for feeding and we spent a lot of time doing skin to skin. A lot of times she would cry and nothing would calm her but being held and loved by me. When in her bassinet she would follow the sound of my voice with her head. Everyone noticed - I love it. I love her so much I would have taken a bullet for her 1 minute after I met her. She is beautiful and sweet, by the way. Also very alert. She goes for 45 minutes at at time looking around and learning. I was in the hospital for 3 days. When they would come get her for tests and stuff I would cry. Even if she was "only going to be gone for an hour" I hated the idea of her waking up and being alone or scared.

1 day after we got home we went to the doc (Saturday) and he said her jaundice level was 15. Too much higher and she'd have to be put under the blanket. The past few days we'd been supplementing my breast milk with a supplement that attaches to the breast/nipple with a tiny tube. She doesn't know the milk is not from me so she does not lose her taste for my nipple.

Anyway, her jaundice level needed to level off / go down so doc's orders were to spend the entire day feeding every 2 hours. I drank as much as humanly possible and fed as often as we could rouse her to take and that was probably more like every 3 hours or so. She did well though and we are out of the danger zone a re-test showed on Sunday.

Here are pictures of her...is she beautiful! I can't believe she is mine and how much we love each other. Richard is an amazing father. There's so much more I want to say but it is time to feed. My milk came in - thankfully!

I am living proof that a donor egg situation can equal heaven. I am still praying for those of you who are still battling to get here. I have never been happier in my life, even at 3:00 AM with no pain meds after a c-section!

More to come!

Seeing Doc Twice a Week Now

Went back today for NST (non stress test) so that they could measure fetal movement and contractions. I am still having contractions but had fewer today (in the 15 or so minutes they monitored me) than I did on Thursday. I have most of them in the morning and at night. After the NST the midwife decided to do a pelvic exam. My doctor was not there. So the midwife did the exam and told me first that my cervix has softened, probably as a result of the contractions. Also she measured me and I am only measuring 33 - 34 weeks even though I am now 37 weeks. Come to find out I started going backwards a few visits ago. No big deal, that could be a lot of things: stomach muscles making it so that she is held in tighter than some babies, the baby being in a tight little ball herself instead of spread out, less amniotic fluid at this point, and every woman carries differently. Also, she gave me the example that she delivered a 36 week old baby over the weekend that was only 6 pounds but the mother's tummy was measuring 39 - 40. So, net net we scheduled an AFI (Amniotic Fluid Index) for this Thursday along with more NST to monitor the fetal movement and uterine contractions. What does all this mean? Who the f*ck knows...I don't get it. We had a growth scan at 32 weeks (February 17) and she was in the 55th percentile. At that point she weighed an estimated 4.2 pounds. It's been 5 weeks since then. At half a pound a week she should be like 6.7 pounds by now...WTF? Why am I not measuring to show that she is getting bigger? I am concerned. I know all of this is not an exact science and every woman carries differently and tummy measurement is extremely subjective but I haven't gained any weight in like a month (not that I want to but I do want her to grow properly). I am not sure what is normal and what isn't or if there is even a scale for normal since this is all so very subjective. I guess we'll know more on Thursday...trying to be positive but a little freaked out until I understand more.

Dr. Appointment

As you all know my husband is out of town. I am fine, I keep telling myself. I've been feeling a lot of contractions since Sunday, I sometimes fall in the middle of the night when I get up to go to the bathroom and I am scared to death about being 35 minutes from the hospital where she will be delivered - BUT I AM OK. By the way, if I did fall down and knock myself out nobody would know it until the following day around 12:00 noon. So, lets just hope the next two nights I spend alone at over nine months pregnant that I can keep from falling any more.

Day before yesterday baby girl moved around ALL day and ALL night. She was the most active I have ever felt her be. Yesterday...nothing! I mean nothing, too. I had to get the doppler out twice to make sure she was ok. So I went to the doctor today and she confirmed exactly what I thought. I am having contractions. Yes, as she told me at my last appointment, the baby dropped at least two weeks ago and has dropped further according to her measurements. I also have to go back 2 - 3 times a week now since the monitor showed contractions and she is concerned about the decreased fetal movement yesterday. The only thing separating me now from pre-eclampsia is high blood pressure. So she wants to watch that really closely, too.

I am still ok. My husband will be home Saturday and hopefully for a while. The past two weeks have been hard without him because when he's not here everything falls on me; the animals (all 9 of them) have to be cared for, the house, trash, errands, etc...All that is fine when I am not 9 months pregnant and not sleeping hardly at all. I am still swollen up like a bull frog, too. Lovely! Oh, and I now can't feel BOTH of my hands. I am not complaining...I am okay. At least I am pregnant, I begged for this, I have a healthy baby inside me.

Soooooooo, I go back to the doctor on Monday and then again on Thursday and they may increase my visits from there depending on what they see. I am supposed to be on the look out for mucous plug (bloody show), water breaking and of course, more consistent contractions. Doc says it could happen today, tomorrow, next week or in two weeks - it's a crap shoot. So much for the Internet information which says once your baby drops labor is inevitable within 2 - 4 weeks.

Trying to be Rational

My husband was out of town last week. As it turns out he is going to be out of town again this week, too. So here I am, 36 weeks pregnant, my baby has been dropped (not according to me, but according to my doctor 2 weeks ago) for at least 2 weeks, I am swollen in my hands and feet and it gets worse every day, the pressure in my lower pelvis is unbelievable and my husband is leaving town today. So what do I do? Well I support him of course. But I am scared. I could honestly go into labor any time now. Everything I read says that once the baby drops labor is eminent within 1 - 4 weeks. I had a tour at the hospital this weekend and the doula that gave the tour (who has delivered over 500 babies) confirmed this. Nobody seems to think I will make it to April 6th. Could everyone be wrong? Yes, absolutely but the thought of my husband missing the birth of our (probably only) child is very upsetting to me. No, he can not help being out of town. He's more upset than I am but...but...but...WOW! Six years to get to this point, folks. I don't want to say 'why us?' because frankly I don't want to know 'why' any more. I just want the fairy tale birth with both parents and daddy cutting the cord. Is that so much to ask? Obviously the MOST IMPORTANT thing is that she is born healthy but still. We do have a back up plan. If my water breaks or I see the doc this Thursday and by then this swelling has progressed into PE and she wants to take the baby early, there is an alternative to my husband being in the room but it's not my first choice. The plan is, if I go into labor, water breaks, they take her early, whatever...IT happens this week they'll put my husband on an air plane. The problem with that is that he is out of the country so he can't just hop on a air plane. He has to drive a few hours across the desert to get to the nearest air port (by then the c-section is probably complete, it's a 20 minute procedure), hop a plane across the country - which by the way, there are no direct flights and then he could be there. This is like a 12 hour process, folks. So he would in fact miss the whole damn, f*cking thing! Sorry. I am a little upset and I have to vent here because I don't want him to see it. He needs my support and he's got it - I am just venting.

Donor Egg Baby Books

I got the three baby books I ordered on donor eggs. I like certain aspects of all 3 but don't necessarily like all of any of them. So, I decided to write my own story. I would really like to have it illustrated and published, too but who knows if I'll ever really put myself out there like that. Thank God we are able to have a baby this way. The glass is half full - we are going to be parents and it is all because of donor eggs. Are you ready for the but? But...if I am honest, I am a little sad that we have to tell her about uteruses, seeds, eggs and cells as a baby (by baby I mean under 5). And yes, we do have to tell her. I have read about children who are the product of egg or sperm donation and what their reaction is like when they find out as a teenager. It's terrible. They feel like they were a dirty little secret, like their parents lied to them and they generally have an identity crisis. I'd rather her 'always' know then to have to find out because of a medical reason or something and then decide I am not trustworthy (frankly if I lie to her about this surely she will wonder what else I have lied to her about all her life) and I'm not related to her genetically. My doctor recommended that we NEVER tell ANYONE about her beginnings. We agreed at first that was the best way to handle it. Then our family started asking questions and I had a problem lying to their faces...I just couldn't do it. How could I lie to hers, she is innocent in all of this and I am not ashamed. I am sad the she will know she is somewhat different. She wasn't adopted, she wasn't conceived the normal way: she is in fact somewhere in between. She is loved though already and she is wanted. She will know what it is like to be part of a family that cherishes her.

Can't Sleep

This is just to document my symptoms, not complaining: I feel like something significant is going on but there are no major signs of labor or anything (no mucus plug, no water breaking). I think I am just freaking out a little bit. My hands (especially my right one) is getting worse as far as numbness and tingling. The symptoms are spreading to the palm of my hand instead of being just in my fingers. It basically feels like when your foot falls asleep but it never wakes up it just stays like this 24/7 no matter what I am doing or what position it is in. I have increased pressure in my lower belly along with some weird sharp pains from down there. I wonder if these are "lightening pains" I've heard about. Also I think I am having BH because it feels like there is a tightening across the top (always right) side of my uterus just under my ribs. I didn't have a lot of energy today, I was kind of tired and then around 3:00 PM I started cleaning and never sat down until after 7:00 PM. Yesterday I worked out and had plenty of energy all day. I have also felt a little crampy today. Anyway, maybe it's just me but I feel like something has changed. It's now 2:00 AM and I have to be up at 7:00 AM because the tile guy will be here at 8:00 AM. I am seriously going to be hating life tomorrow but oh well...I feel really restless and I just can't sleep.

Oh, the tile guy, well we built this house approximately 5 years ago. When it came time to decide on tile/grout/accent tiles for our master bath I chose a really pretty beige tile with grey veining through it. I chose a smoke grey grout because I didn't want a light one that would show stains and be really hard to keep clean. Plus I saw it installed and it looked really good. Unfortunately the guy who laid the tile was on some serious drugs (really, he got arrested for it) and did not use even one of the spacers I bought to ensure the tile lines were consistent. As a result, the grout lines are all over the place, some are tiny and some are huge - it is just awful. To add insult to injury he mixed the wall grout incorrectly and it is WAY darker than the floor grout. I hate it! I've hated it for the past 5 years. I love all the tile/accent tiles and grout color on the floor but since I picked a dark grout it just highlights all the inconsistencies in the way he laid the tile. Why didn't we have him rip it out and start over? The master bath was one of the last things to be completed before we closed, we were running behind and were going to lose our AWESOME rate if we missed our closing date. So, I've been calling ABC Interiors about this for years. Finally the guy who owns the company came out and looked, agreed it was horrible and is getting a crew in here starting tomorrow to drill out all the grout and go with a lighter one to hide/camouflage some of the inconsistencies in the tile installation. Meanwhile I can't turn my mind off about all this. It's the last major thing we need to have fixed in the house before the baby is born. I've been nesting for about a month and everything else has been taken care of but this. I am excited about not hating it as much but also annoyed that we can't just have it all ripped out and start over from scratch with a proper installation. Anyway, pics attached of what my bathroom was supposed to look like relative to coloring. I'll post before and after pics. This is off the web site, my accents have been discontinued so this is just an idea of what it was supposed to look like.

I can't possibly do one more thing to the nursery...is it April 6th yet?

My Second Baby Shower

My mom and sister threw me another baby shower this weekend. It was really classy and beautiful. My sister brought her baby boy Liam (see pic with my hubby...so cute.) Everyone was very generous and again I almost felt bad because they did so much. Last year there was a baby shower for someone who was due a week or two apart from when I would have been due, but I miscarried. That was my last shot at IVF with my own eggs. I could not make myself go no matter what - I just woke up crying that morning (See Post from Saturday, July 12th titled "This Post is All Over the Place http://art4mybaby.blogspot.com/2008/07/this-post-is-all-over-place.html). The past two Saturdays have been like fairytales for me. I got to do all of the things I've been dreaming about at baby showers for the past 6 years. My family and friends were amazing.

I am now 34 weeks - yes I know my ticker says I am 35, that's because I am delivering a little early with a cesarean section. I have pretty much enjoyed my pregnancy until the last trimester. I really shouldn't complain at all though. What happens is that you get in a situation and start to feel normal and then take things for granted. Someone told me once that there are no "shoulds" in life. If so, who determines the "should"? But wow, when I feel like complaining I feel like I "should" not be because of all that I have been through. I have only 33 days left, I am going to try really hard not to complain at all about some of the really scary things that are happening to my body and remind myself of how blessed I am to finally be here.

My First Baby Shower

It is 4:00 AM and I am wide awake. I did not sleep last night either. I had my first baby shower yesterday and it was absolutely wonderful, though those words do not do it justice. I felt like a princess in a fairy tale. It is so hard for me to comprehend that this time it was for me. I got to receive the friends, open the gifts, celebrate a new life, organize tiny beautiful baby things and feel complete...well almost. She's not quite here yet but somehow this shower made it seem so much more real. I guess because for so many years I attended other women's showers wondering if I would ever REALLY be in their situation. I drove by houses with big pink or blue bows on the mailbox signifying a new baby was born to the people that lived there. I don't think I ever believed, truly believed it would happen for me. I was so over come today with love, appreciation and satisfaction it was all I could do to hold back the tears. My friends were just amazing. The love, thought and care that went into the preparation just blew me away. One of my dear friends that I did IVF with the first time came all the way from Texas to be here for me and Claire...amazing. I got so many great gifts that I honestly do not even know where to start. Check out some pics... I only got a few with my camera but my friends and mom got a lot more.

Another Check Up

Went to the doc today to discuss the growth scan and my birth plan. Good news: she is doing great, amniotic fluid looks great, I haven't gained any more weight but baby is growing well and she is in the 55th percentile. Doc was happy with heartbeat, measuring of my belly, etc.
Bad news:
I am swollen from the knees down and she suggested support hose. Also, I am not going to get my request to try to feed baby in recovery. In fact, doc says after the baby is delivered she will stitch me up for between 15 - 45 minutes. After that I am required to be in recovery for one hour with a nurse that does not leave my side. That nurse is by law responsible for me and only me not me and my baby. So Richard can hold her while I am in recovery but I can not try to feed her because the nurse would then be responsible for both of us. She said we could request that the baby not get the bath and she stay with Richard but that I will not be back in my room and able to attempt breast feeding for a minimum of an hour and a half...maybe 2 hours. THAT TOTALLY SUCKS but I am trying to wrap my head around it. I just don't want the extra time to affect the way we bond or the possibility of breast feeding. Also, she said since the baby is 4.2 pounds and is estimated to be close to 8 pounds at birth a vaginal delivery is not realistic and that she is putting me down as having an incompetent pelvis. Meaning, the baby won't fit through my birth canal. I already knew that but now it is like in stone. Also, in my birth plan I requested that my arms not be tied down but that is just not a possibility. Apparently there is just no room for my arms on the operating table, and she and the nurses need to be by my side to do the surgery so my arms have to be on the boards. She did say they are no strapped down tightly, just to remind you that they are there so you won't put them in the way of things. Finally, a friend of mine said she preferred the epidural to the spinal block because she's now had a baby with one of each. She said her hands were numb and tingly with the block and that the epidural wears off faster so you can hold the baby. Doc says it is up to me and the anesthesiologist but that every thing she's ever read says the block takes effect quicker and wears off quicker. WTF? I just need to let go and let God I guess but this is scary! I know, I know, I just put WTF and God in the same post/sentence. Sorry but I am kinda freaking out, I will adjust but wow that's a lot of stuff I thought I would get that I am not getting. At least Claire is healthy, I should just be grateful and shut up. Looking forward to my shower this weekend...happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts!

32 Week Growth Scan

Everything is normal...whew! The tech told me that her head, belly and legs are within normal range. She measured the amniotic fluid and also called it "normal range." Claire is estimated to be 4.2 pounds right now and they don't take her for 7 weeks. If she grows 1/2 a pound a week that'll put her just over 7.5 pounds. Sounds good to me! That's about what I weighed. I have an appointment on Thursday with my doc to go over my birth plan and this growth scan info. Oh, she (the tech) would not measure the length which kinda pissed me off but oh well - I feel good about it:o> More to come on Thursday along with ultrasound pics and maybe even an 8 month belly pic.

It occurred to me that I have not been posting my belly pics here. Instead I have been posting them to facebook. Hello! I am blaming that on pregnancy brain. Here is 7.5 months. I'll post 8 months and a few days after this weekend's shower.

3D Ultrasound

My luck, little Claire Bear was camped out behind the placent and we could only see half of her face. To me it looks like she will have Richard's nose, she had big pouty lips and chubby cheeks. She's definitely filled in with fat since last time. Richard took the pics with him to work today so I can't scan them and post here but I will tonight. Tomorrow is our growth scan so I'll report on that and post pics. She seems big to me but hey, what do I know, I thought she "felt" like a boy. Anyway, she's precious, from what I can tell and I can't wait to meet her. Yesterday Richard's mom and I went through all his baby pics (though most were destroyed in the fire) I got some really cute ones of him as a baby. None as an infant but several as a baby, so I'm going to make Claire an album. I would make one of me, too but it feels kind of irrelevant. Oh, the fire I mentioned happened when my husband was I think four and he woke his dad and pregnant mom up to tell them the house was on fire. If it weren't for him they all would have perished. So he was a hero from a very young age...little booger. His mom told me she had him speaking in complete sentences before he was even 1 year old. Hopefull his daughter will do the same;o>

Mom's Doing Well - Thank God!

I was trying to think positive but when your mother's had bladder cancer 4 (actually I was corrected yesterday, she's had it 5 times) times you tend to be a bit jaded...kind of like infertility. Anyway, mom had her biopsy yesterday and there are no new tumors. Also the doctor said he expects the biopsies to come back clean because he could see no evidence of cancer. However, they have to be looked at under a microscope so we won't know definitively until the 26th of this month. I am very relieved though. It was good news. Mom spent the night here last night because she was so dopey from the drugs. I am really glad that's out of the way and off my list of things to worry about.

I had a great massage today. I went to, let's just call it Snooty Spa. My mom insisted since I have been having so much hip pain. Anyway, I felt completely comfortable with the masseuse and she made me feel like she actually cared about me as a person. I didn't take one step that she didn't have hand on my back and body poised to catch me if I fell. We were walking beside a pool, hot tub and sauna after all and my flip flops were too big despite the swelling. Besides making me feel cared for, she had serious skills. I've had a lot of massages before but this one was special. She did dig into my hips, which I needed her to do, but it was very painful. She asked if she should stop but I asked her to keep going hoping it would help and it did. I highly recommend a maternity massage if you're pregnant and hurting.

Tomorrow I take my mom for her biopsy. It has to happen in the OR because she's now had cancer in her bladder 4 times, so they'll be doing the biopsy in 2 places and it's really deep. I am afraid of what they will find. She'll either have responded to this last round of chemo and the biopsies will show that or not. If not they will have to take more drastic measures. I am trying to think positively but I am scared. I hate seeing her suffer. *NOTE TO SELF: never allow myself, my child or anyone I care about to be around second hand cigarette smoke. Yep, that is what the past 4 doctors my mother has seen confirmed to be the cause of her cancer. We won't know anything tomorrow about the biopsy results but should within the week. Mom made Claire a beautiful quilt, it has lots of color but is not overly bright - I love it. As soon as she finishes it I'll post pics.

This weekend we get to see our little baby girl again at Prenatal Peeks. I can't wait. According to the chart on their website, right now is considered the best time to see her. She'll have plenty of fat by now and still has room to move in my uterus. I'll post pics.

Ok, so then the next two weekends are shower weekends and then I'll just have 4 weeks...WHOOOOHOOOOOOOO!

30 Week Check Up

Dr. wasn't available but the midwife said everything looks good. I am measuring at 30cm @ 30 weeks, so right on target. I know my ticker is one week off...that's because I am having a Cesarean at 39 weeks. I had not gained an ounce since 2 weeks ago, so that's good. I am hoping she will double in size without me having to gain any more weight but I'll do what I have to do. She also said the baby is already head down...that's a little disconcerting because as ready as I am I don't want her to be too early. I need to stay in there and develop until April 6. A few things freaking me out...more discharge, she seems to have dropped, she's already head down and I feel crampy in the evenings. I know it is somewhat normal but my ankles/feet have been swollen the past couple days. That's happened to me before but it went away. For some reason, I feel like this is permanent until she's born. I increased my water - which doesn't seem humanly possible since I drink 2 32 oz containers per day - and am still walking on the treadmill. Believe it or not research shows that exercise helps with water retention. Next Saturday we get to see her on 3D ultrasound again, the following Saturday is one shower and the following Saturday is my other shower. So, many distractions coming up. I went to a New Born Care class Thursday night and was very disappointed. I am a trainer so I am a little critical but seriously it was bad. Next week is Infant CPR, then breastfeeding and then the 4 labor and delivery classes so I'll know what the hell to do if I go into labor early.

I Have No Patience

I really don't. I mean really I've already gotten a date on which they will take her by cesarean and it is probably at least a week earlier than she would have been born. I have just really seemed to "hit a wall" as my friend so eloquently put it. I am so anxious to meet her. Thankfully this month we have 2 showers, 4 classes and a growth ultra sound to keep me occupied. Unfortunately that doesn't keep me from spending every other waking moment thinking about what she will be like.

So Very Sad

Maybe this is all me. Maybe because I am in my last trimester my hormones are out of whack and I am overly emotional. Maybe I should always bite my tongue to keep the peace.

I am very sad that I can't seem to stay out of trouble with a close family member. Lately she has been accusing many people of digging at her for various things. Most of which were not. She is INCREDIBLY paranoid. Tonight she accused me of attacking her husband verbally and "shitting" on her because I don't agree with her on an important family topic. I get tired of allowing all the slights she sends my way just because I value our relationship so much. Now, here I am 7.5 months pregnant and she calls my house ranting after midnight. When I tell her it is okay for us to agree to disagree she still continues to act hysterical. She proceeds to call my house over 10 times, upsetting me and waking up my husband who has to be up at 6:00 AM. Now I feel like I am having Braxton Hicks contractions at the bottom of my belly. Maybe that is just coincidence but they started when I was trying to get the phone before my husband woke up.

I just don't get it. I've probably created this monster by biting my tongue most of the time when she inadvertently or diffidently says something to offend me. Unfortunately, I can not sensor my mouth since I have been pregnant. I guess it's just more double standard...she can say, think, feel whatever she wants but I can not.

Feeling upset, like my blood pressure is up, having contractions and totally alone.

Done Being a Brat

I feel better since my last post because I got to vent. All in all I am just happy to be to this point...finally. I talked to my doctor the other day and she is certain that April 6th would be a good day for me to have a C-section. By then I will be 38weeks, 5days. At 37 you are considered term. She is comfortable taking Claire at as early as 38 weeks. I told her I would wait 2 extra days until I am exactly 39 weeks if necessary but she really doesn't think it is. According to a UNC study some infants have had breathing / lung issues when delivered before 39 weeks...but the subjects used for the study did not know EXACTLY when they conceived like IVF patients do. So, April 6th is the day, which is also my father's birthday. My dad is really not the sentimental type so he probably could care less what day she is born on but it means something to me. I've compromised a lot, this started out as a twin pregnancy, I think it's good that she'll be born on a date that is important to me.

28 Week Dr. Appointment

WARNING/DISCLAIMER: I am going to complain about pregnancy after infertility in this post. I know that doesn't seem right but I NEED to vent. I am completely grateful to be pregnant but that doesn't mean I love being pregnant.

OK, so I go to the doc yesterday for my Rhogam shot since I have negative blood type and the baby's blood could be positive. The first thing they do is weigh me of course and I've gained 5 pounds in a week...SCARY! So I ask if that is normal and the nurse goes, "no, not really, let's weigh you again." Yep, 5 pounds in one week - confirmed.

So we move on to the shot, it was not too bad...the nurse was all trying to be real careful and asking me if it was burning and stuff. So I told her not to fret that after 3 IVFs I am an old pro at being poked and have given myself over 300 shots to date, some in my stomach and some in the buttocks. So she asks if this is my fourth child...um, no this is my first. She looks at me like dear in the headlights so I enlightened her - bet she was sorry she opened that can of worms. Damn, though is it just me or should the OB/GYN staff upstairs from the infertility clinic not realize there are going to be patients like me coming through? Or how about this: read the fu*king chart! I just. don't. get. it!

Next, dear in the headlights nurse tells me that the doctor is at the hospital for and emergency C-section, would I like to see a mid wife...um, absolutely not. Considering I have seen 2 out of the 4 at this practice and each one admonished me for not wanting to try natural child birth after ALL of my doctors now have told me that a C-section is absolutely necessary in my case...NO! So the head nurse comes in (who I love) she does the Doppler (which I can do at home) and measures my belly. She says I am measuring 29cm and I am only 28 weeks. I am told that my belly should measure a centimeter per week pregnant that I am. She also says the 5 pounds in a week thing is probably due to a growth spurt if I haven't changed my eating. She says I look great and not to worry I am right on track from when I got pregnant, I remind her that I didn't start coming here until I was 12 weeks. Since then I've only gained 24 pounds. I have not changed my eating habits either, I try to be very careful:

• In 7 months I have had 1, yes 1 milk shake
• I rarely eat fast food unless it is ChickfilA because the chicken is pressure cooked instead of fried or I go to Subway
• For something sweet I indulge in nonfat yogurt with granola (the natural stuff not sugary clusters) and fruit
• I drink a 32 oz container of water 3X every day
• I walk on the treadmill 4X a week for 40 minutes as the doc recommended starting last week
• WTF????

Oh, and no, I can not attribute this to gestational diabetes because according to the nurse my sugar test last week came out "perfect" and was 98, whatever that means.

All I can conclude is that maybe I am gaining muscle from exercising more and muscle weighs 3 to 4X more than fat, plus she's growing. Also, my husband's family is like the family of giants compared to mine. We are all short, small framed people, even my father and brother who are both just under 6 feet. Some of us are over weight but still, small people. His people are all either hovering at 6 feet or significantly taller with BIG bone structures. His mom and grandmother = both 6 feet. His brother is 6'7"! Maybe she is just going to be a big baby. Which would be nice. I am happy either way as long as she is healthy. I would be fine with her being petite because so am I, my sister, my mother, my grandmother. I would also be fine with her being tall because we aren't.

The weight gain is the hardest thing to deal with and what I like the least about being pregnant even though it is inevitable. Someone on Facebook posted a picture of me in the 3rd grade the other day...I was the fattest kid in the class. It was a game for the kids to call me fatty until I cried every day in the 3rd, 4th and 5th grade. What was worse is that I would get it when I got home, too. Which has taught me that no matter what, I will not ever cut my kid down. I know, cry me a river but it was very profound for me. I have always been tender hearted and, because of my childhood, very insecure. So, yes, the weight thing is particularly hard for me. I know it is necessary and if I had to I would gain 100 pounds for her to be healthy but why can't I be one of those people that just gains a total of 25 - 30 pounds, is all belly and delivers a perfectly healthy baby? I have already gained 30 pounds since I started IVF this cycle and I have roughly 11 weeks to go...*sigh*!

Oh well, at least I am pregnant. I keep telling myself that and most days when I look in the mirror and see my belly I smile and am happy and grateful. But when the numbers hit me in the face, I get that old familiar anxiety/panic feeling that I did when I was a kid. Please do not judge me if you read this post and decide I am an ungrateful brat - no body's perfect and there are no saints on this planet. I am dealing with this the best way I know how. Plus I am a guilt monger, I beat myself up way more than anyone else could - so give me a break.

The best things about my pregnancy so far:

• Seeing her on ultra sound
• No morning sickness to speak of
• Very few side effects: no painful crotch, no major back aches, no major water retention, no super low energy
• Feeling her move
• Picking out a name
• Decorating the nursery
• Buying baby clothes
• Planning showers
• Strangers smiling at me
• Family members acting differently towards me now - guess I am in "the club" now and they feel like they don't have to walk on egg shells around me

25 Week Check Up

Happy New Year!

I went to the doctor on New Year's Eve. Doc says I need to be seen every two weeks now since I am in my 3rd trimester. She also said everything looks normal, I've gained 20 pounds since I've been going there and that is "good." She does want me to start exercising since I'm in the third trimester now. She recommended walking 40 minutes per day 4 times per week. This should help with either C-section recovery or labor. I won't get another ultrasound because things look good, which is good but I'd like to see her and see if her growth is on target. Although she did measure my belly and it was 25 cm - she said that's perfect because one cm for each week...I didn't know that.

So, I am EXTREMELY GRATEFUL to be pregnant but there are some things that kinda suck, too. My feet feel like they are bruised on the bottoms from the extra weight and pedicures don't last long. Other than that - I just feel huge. There. That's it. No more complaining because of all of the hell I have been through to finally be in this position. What's worse, I feel terrible complaining when there are women that feel now how I used to and are in limbo.

January will likely be a long, boring, depressing month but February should be better. We are going back for our 2nd 3D ultrasound on Valentines Day. Then we have 2 showers the last 2 week ends February. March will probably suck but at least we have our 7 year wedding anniversary (9 years together). Then the first week of April I'm done! WHOOOHOOO! I wish I could fast forward to April 1st.

Happy Holidays

We had a really great Christmas! My sister, brother-in-law and my 2 nephews came to stay with us for 4 days. We played Guitar Hero, shot eachother with Nerf guns and watched movies when we weren't opening presents and eating. The Nerf gun wars between my husband and me and my sister and my brother-in-law were just hilarious! We laughed so much - it was wonderful! Usually my famous holiday saying is "no one can screw up the holidays like family" but not this year. Maybe it's just because I feel so differently now, I don't know but we had a great time and there were no blow ups like there usually are. When they left I cried like I usually do but when my nephew Christos (4.5 years old) looked at me and said "why awe you cwyin?" it just made me cry harder. I told him it was because I didn't want him to leave, so he goes "ok, I'll stay here with you." So then the flood gates really opened. We watched Hercules together twice, so on the way home watching it in the Explorer for the 3rd time in 2 days he said to my sister "Mommy, what's his name?" My sister didn't know because she's never seen the movie all the way through. Christos goes "well Aunt Candy knows!"

My 1.5 year old nephew, Liam is going through a shy stage so the past day and a half he has really warmed up to me. The first 2 days they were here he wouldn't really let anyone hold him but mommy and daddy. By yesterday though he was letting me pick him up and falling asleep on my shoulder - God he's cute!

Oh, I hated to see them go. I took down all the indoor Christmas decorations when they left because seeing them only made me think of Christmas, which is over now and reminds me that they are 7 hours away. This house feels so big and empty and quiet without them here. I am so fortunate to have my husband, this home and my family but WOW do I feel lonely right now since they left today at 5:00PM. Except for the kicks and punches I've been feeling:o>

Here is a 6 month 4 day belly pic. Definitely showing now!

Tagged and Didn't Know It!

Sorry, been out of the loop for a couple of days because Richard's grandfather died. I know...terrible, right here at the holidays. He was a wonderful man that had 8 children and 17 grandchildren. The service was about having a lot of "people" it kind of made me feel great for Richard's family but not so much for Richard because I may only be able to give him the one child...we'll see. I know he loves me and it's amazing that we are here in the first place but, wow - his family is BLEEPING huge! I am trying to work on my mouth (language) since in 3 months we'll have a little impressionable prissy pot in here.

Ok, so enough with the excuses, I was tagged like 3 days ago so this is late. I am supposed to go to my pictures and post the 4th picture in the 4th file...this is my niece Chloe when she was probably about 6 months. She's 2 now. She had been playing at my house and fell asleep on the couch, the little angel. Thanks, Sharon. Much love to you, girl we're with you and thinking of you and praying for you.

First Stranger Comment

I went Christmas shopping today to finish up so we don't have to brave the traffic this weekend. My last stop was a department store. It was awesome:
Stranger 1: "Oh, how cute, boy or girl?"
Me: "Girl. You're my first stranger comment."
Stranger 1: "Back up I want my friend to see. Ashey, isn't she cute, look"
Me: "Thank you so much...I don't feel cute!"
Stranger 2: "I know I saw her when she came in, have you decided on a name?"
It was awesome! I am six months on Tuesday so I am glad somebody finally said something. Now maybe my friends and family will say I am showing instead of that I just look like I have "gained weight all over."

I am so excited about my sister, her husband and her two boys coming next week. They'll be here on Wednesday. It was so fun buying toys for them and for my nieces. I can't believe we're actually going to enjoy our Christmas instead of pretending we are not crushed over yet another miscarriage or year without a child. Next year we'll get to send out Christmas cards with a photo of us with our child...I can't wait!

She's kicking a lot now and I feel it at different times of the day. I wish Richard could feel it but she still stops every time I put his hand on my tummy. Some people have recommended using a flash light but, of course, we can't find ours. If I do not locate it by tomorrow I am buying another one.;o>

The Speak Out, Speak Up Award

My friend Jojobee from Hope...A POF and Donor Blog has honored me with this award. She and I have a lot in common and I am so glad we found each other.

Richard and I have been together for 9 years now. We are very fortunate to have each other. One reason is because so many marriages do not make it through infertility struggles. I feel blessed to have him in my life and as my husband. When we started trying to conceive 6 years ago we were both very excited and our expectations were high. After 2 years we decided to see a specialist. Richard was very supportive through the hormonal changes and financial burden. Our very first attempt with IUI and Letrizol (like Chlomid but for people with PCOS who can't take Chlomid) was successful in that it got us pregnant. Unfortunately 6 -7 weeks later we miscarried. I fell to the lowest point of my life. It was so sad to have lost the baby and to have to explain to everyone we had hastily told about the pregnancy. We tried more IUIs and IVFs and had more miscarriages. Through it all though my husband stood by me. When the insensitive comments of friends and relatives came, he was there for me. When family members were pregnant and rubbing it in our faces he was there for me. We went from being a fun loving couple to jaded, bitter people but we had each other. No one around us seemed to understand our struggle and I often felt like I was drowning, I would have without him...I honestly believe that.

Along the way I learned to pray. We are not overly religious people. Our experience with organized religion has not been real positive so we are more private with our methods of worship. After the first miscarriage I was really mad at God and was simply unable to pray but I have always had a strong belief so that did not last long. I realized that there is, there must be a reason for all of this. Richard and I are stronger as a couple. I am a more empathetic and compassionate person, just like my friend Jojobee. I have also reached out to other women who are experiencing infertility through this blog, a public radio appearance and by speaking a couple of times at a local college.

The past 6 years have been colored by our infertility, hormone treatments, financial burden and heart breaking miscarriages. This year things are different. We're enjoying the holidays, we can look at babies without feeling sad, it doesn't hurt as bad when women around me talk about how perfectly their bodies perform for pregnancy/nursing and we feel secure in the fact that in 3.5 short months we will finally be parents. There are no words to describe how wonderful that feels. I can't wait to see my baby girl and to see her father holding her.

Some would attribute our success to a combination of money, science and doctors. Some say it is nothing short of a miracle and that it is God's work. I believe it is some combination of all of those things. The doctors and nurses at my clinic (which nobody ever mentions on their blogs for some reason) NCCRM were an invaluable source of strength for me. They were honest, accurate, encouraging and caring. But none of this, in my opinion would have been possible without Him. I have said many times on this blog that I am grateful. I am so blessed to finally be pregnant and to feel like we will make it to parenthood.

21 Week Doctor's Appointment

All she did was talk to me and use the doppler on my belly. She provided great info but I could have done the doppler at home...wtf? She still thinks the c-section is going to be necessary but will reserve 100% certainty until a couple of months from now when we know the baby's size. Doc says the ultrasound should be within 10% as far as measuring her size/weight. Also, she said I can take magnesium tablets for better digestion. Not much else was discussed. I go back in a month for the same damn thing, no ultrasound then, either. After that I'll start going every other week and have to do the glucose test thing. Ugh, I heard that sucks though nothing could compare to the progesterone in oil shots and heart burn. So I won't get to see my baby for at least another 6 weeks - that really bites!

I've gained 18 pounds since I started IVF and 12 since I've been pregnant. According to Doc that's on track but a friend of mine told me today I don't even look pregnant I just look fatter...great, um...thanks! Oh well, all for good reason;o>

3D Ultrasound and 20.5 Week Belly Pics

I look more pregnant than this in real life, according to my husband. I happen to think so too but still no stranger comments yet. I think it is so cute that she looks like she is smiling and praying in a couple of these. I know it's early I just really wanted to see her.

Rescheduled 3D Ultrasound was Awesome!

She was front and center. This time her head was up around my navel and she didn't block her face with her arms. We got to see everything! She's really really really really cute! We got about 20 pictures and in some of them it looks like she is smiling. Another one it looks like she is praying. We both cried...this is probably really going to happen! That is still hard for me to believe. We got another CD and DVD plus the pictures. I will scan them in this week, we left them at my SIL and BIL's house last night. She still looks really skinny since I am only just over halfway through my second trimester. Next time we go I will be around 30 weeks and she'll have a lot more fat on her. I had Richard take belly pics. I look bigger in real life, even he said so. It's weird though, every time we take a picture my belly just doesn't show up that much. My butt sure does but I am not taking a picture of that!

Next week I have a doctor's appointment. I guess it is time to look into birthing classes. I just haven't wanted to jump the gun but I am 21 weeks on Tuesday so I guess it is really time. People already want lists for my showers and it still feels premature to me. I think they will be the last 2 weeks in February since my due date is early April (considering that the C-section will be 1 week to 10 days earlier than my actual due date).

Hopefully Tuesday at my doctor's appointment they'll do an ultrasound so I can get measurements. I'll update then!

3D Ultrasound Kind of Sucked!

I thought maybe I jumped the gun by going too soon but when I called they encouraged me that almost 20 weeks was fine for the first one. She had her hands up over her face the entire time. So we used almost the whole 15 minutes in 2D. The good news is that we get to go back next Saturday for a freebee. Richard loved it because he hasn't seen her since 10 weeks and we're almost 20 now. We did get to see her heart, brain, spine, ribs, fingers, feet and who-who. She's definitely a girl! The ultrasound tech was shaking my belly to get her to move but she wouldn't. She was kicking and stuff but she stayed in the same position the whole time which was snuggled in behind the placenta. At one point she was sucking her thumb. Pretty cute! We enjoyed it and the grand parents seemed to love seeing her. After we went for a nice lunch and some shopping so it was a great day. I just really, really, really wanted to see her face real good. I'll probably wait to post pics until next week because the 2Ds aren't much different than what I've already got posted. The next time I'll go about 30 weeks which will be the beginning of February and if she's in the right position she'll have enough fat to really show facial features;o>

19 Weeks / Catching Up...It's Been A While

I am so thankful to have made it this far. I actually had the pleasure of feeling Claire move this morning. (No, I am not keeping her name a secret...a secret from who and why? I started planning 6 years ago...I want to shout it from the roof tops!) It was just like someone poking me from inside my belly...what a wonderful feeling.

I have my 3D ultrasound this weekend. My mom and Richard's parents are going - what support, hugh? I know I am only 19 weeks but I'm doing another one at 28 weeks, too. That'll be the one that shows more distinct facial features. I am excited about it, especially since Richard will get to see her - he's only been able to go to one u/s where she looked like a human. She'll be "on" for a full 15 minutes at least and we'll get a DVD/CD to take home!

I just got back from visiting my dad, step mom and sister in Florida. It was a great visit! My step mom is a really great person and had lots of great advice and guidance to share. She's very level-headed and intellectual. She reads about how to improve herself, her life and learn from her past constantly. My dad was very sweet, too. We have so much in common it is eerie, plus I look just like him. We've been through so much so it's great to finally feel like I can connect with him. My sis gave me back the bassinet I gave her for her first child. I've been looking forward to using it for the past 4 years...it's beautiful. It's a blonde wood Eddie Bauer rocking/music playing bassinet. I love it! She also gave me all kinds of precious baby girl clothes, a baby Bjorn, a baby book, children's books, bottle warmers and a ton of other stuff. It was really nice. This is the first time I've seen her since I've been pregnant and she is my best friend in the world - I've needed her closer. She laughed at my new appearance but was very supportive. I've changed immensely up top and my bump is catching up to them. I promise to post a belly pic next week. It's just that every time I have Richard take a picture you can't see the bump that well. I feel huge and have gained almost 13 pounds now. On my 5'4" frame that is a lot. Is that normal? I get such conflicting reports from the stuff I read on the web and I am so messed up from being the fat kid at school for so many years. Ultimately, I know my body is doing what it is supposed to do and I am so delighted!

The baby room is ready, all I have to do is clean out her closet (all my summer clothes) and organize her drawers. I've already put up my Christmas decorations (just the indoor variety) because this is the first time I have been excited about the holidays since my first miscarriage over 4 years ago...it feels good;o>

Congratulations to 2 of my friends who are newly pregnant from IVF with donor eggs! I am so very happy for you and will keep you in my prayers. I know how scary it can be early on, stay strong and keep the faith. That is really all that you can do besides taking it VERY VERY easy the first trimester.

I hurt for my friends who are facing disappointment and sorrow this month because of failed IVF cycles or adoption red tape. There are 6 that I can think of off the top of my head. It's hard enough to experience that kind of disappointment but then to have the holidays around the corner, too. I have had 4 miscarriages now (including the dead twin still inside me). Three of those happened during or near the holiday season - it's terrible. I remember trying to enjoy the time with my well-meaning family who talked about upcoming births or babies incessantly. God, I wish I could do something, I do pray for them every night but I still feel so helpless. I can't help but feel guilty for gloating about this pregnancy when I know they are in such pain.

More to come after Saturday!

Level 2 Ultrasound

According to Duke Hospital everything looks perfect. They kept me there for 3 hours, 2 of those on the ultrasound table. They took multiple pictures and measurements of all the body parts. She is 100% healthy! That's right...he is a she. Despite what 2 doctors have now told me, we are in fact having a baby girl! We are so excited! My sister has 2 boys and Richard's brother has 2 girls. So she'll have ready-made friends/cousins. She is tracking about 1 week ahead of schedule in terms of size, so I guess that is also a good sign. They checked for soft markers of downs syndrome and other diseases and she's all clear. I included a profile pic of her with her hand to her mouth to the left...isn't she precious!?!

Scheduled my 3D/4D Ultrasound

I can't wait! I scheduled my 3D/4D for Saturday, November 22nd. That way I know Richard can be there. It's 15 minutes, a CD, a DVD and 8 - 10 pictures and an album for $115. I am told the best time to do it is between 16 and 28 weeks. I am 16 weeks now so I'll be almost 20 by then. I'll do a second one at 28 week so we can see the facial features...yes I am a lunatic and I will pay $100+ to do this damn thing twice. We may never get to do this again, so I am making the most of it. As soon as I am showing big time I am going to have portraits done, too. I have always wanted to do the one with Richard behind me, reaching around with his hands on my big pregnant belly. Then we'll do more once the little boy is born. WHOOHOO! This still feels like a fairy tale to me!

Waiting

I am waiting for my next doctor's appointment which isn't until Monday (11/3). That's when I get my level 2 ultra sound where they do the anatomy check. I guess they check to make sure he has 2 arms, 2 legs, 10 fingers, 10 toes, etc. The following day I have an appointment with my OBGYN. If they stick me with a mid wife I am out of there. The last one I saw told me I could do as much exercise as I want as long as it wasn't kick boxing. The next week my doctor told me that I was to be very, very careful and to only walk. Anyway, the time is going by extremely slowly. I am four months pregnant but I feel like I've been going through this for a year already. People tell me to enjoy the pregnancy but they just don't understand that it's different for me...I just want to KNOW that everything is going to be okay. We check for the heart beat a lot and that is my only relief from the weekly ultra sound withdrawals.

I Miss Dr. T

After much debate I decided to sit down with my RE to discuss my unresolved issues. Thank you Sasha for helping me determine that it was worth it to schedule the appointment with him even though he is no longer my doctor.

First we discussed the Lovonox situation. He assured me that it is okay to stop the Lovonox injections after 16 - 20 weeks. The problem with anti thrombin antigen, the blood clotting disorder I have, is that it can cut off blood supply to the embryo during implantation. Now that the fetus is so well attached and has much larger blood vessels there is no danger in stopping the Lovonox shots. THANK GOD! Also he said that most of the time second trimester miscarriages happen before 16 weeks.

The second thing we discussed was the C-section thing. I told him that 2 other doctors, both of which operated on my ovaries, said I would need a C-section if my baby was over 6 pounds. I also told him about my sister's 2 C-sections and how our family is built. Further, I explained that the 2 midwives I have seen so far were totally against me having a C-section without at least trying natural labor. Keep in mind they were the same midwives who could not explain anti thrombin antigen to me and who were clueless about the Lovonox and when to quit taking it. Also, one of them insisted that the reason I had so many miscarriages was because of the anti thrombin antigen, obviously she failed to read my chart which clearly states that my miscarriages are mainly due to the fact that my egg quality SUCKS. Even with Lovonox my crusty old eggs did not cut it. So, Dr. T said given all I have been through he thinks C-section is the way to go. All I have to do is call and he said "I will give you a c-section because I totally believe in them." I could have kissed him...finally someone who understands and doesn't tell me to "just relax you're through your first trimester." Bottom line, if he says I should have a C-section, and he did, I believe him. Everything he's ever said has been correct so far!

I asked if I went into labor before the scheduled C-section would a midwife deliver my baby. He said no they would have instructions to call him and he would do a C-section he lives 2 minutes from the hospital and so do the other 3 doctors in the practice.

I asked if it is okay to walk and he was very cautious with his response. Keep in mind just a week ago the midwife told me I could work out all I want just no contact sports like kick boxing. Dr. T said I should be very very careful about exercise. He only recommended walking and swimming and said that my heart rate should not get up too high as that would have a direct impact on the baby. Since I have been sitting around on my ass for the past four months I am not where I used to be cardiovascularly. Further, he told me to pull up on line where my heart rate should be for my age and pregnant and not to go above it under any circumstances.

I asked if I could lift over 5 pounds and he said I could but not to go over 10 - 15. I can also use my 5 pound dumb bells to build up my arms so I'll be able to hold the baby for long periods of time without getting tired.

I love that man, he's awesome! I am so relieved now. Next appointment is November 4th with the certified OBGYN, not a midwife. Also I should have a level 2 ultrasound between weeks 16 and 18 so probably the same week I am there for my regular appointment.

13 Week NT Scan

Dr. Says everything looks great. Heartbeat is 146 - in line for a boy. He is growing and size is right on target. They gave us lots of pictures...one where you could see his face really well. You can see the nasal bone very clearly. They said the NT is normal. I am very pleased. My next appointment is in 4 weeks but they will do a level 2 ultra sound between 16 and 18 weeks as well since I am high risk. Whoooohooo everything is perfect!

Doppler Rocks Again / Venting

OK, I love the Doppler again. We hooked it up and heard the baby's heart beat after only looking for about 30 seconds last night. It was wonderful! It will really come in handy over the next couple months because my OB will only see me every 4 weeks. I am so spoiled by my RE clinic since they saw me every week for the past 12 that I'll probably go nuts from ultra sound withdrawals. Well, at least I can confirm life with the Doppler.

VENT TIME:
For those of you who have obviously decided to judge me based on my fear of dying during labor, you really need to get a life. It is so hard for me to understand how people can call themselves Christians and then judge everyone so harshly. That is not what Jesus would do. I have a condition called anti thrombin antigen which causes my body to cut off the blood supply to my uterus during pregnancy. I am therefore on Lovonox daily, which is a blood thinner, to prevent miscarriage. If I do not have a PLANNED pregnancy, aka c-section scheduled then I could go into spontaneous labor. That means I could bleed to death weather I have a vaginal birth or c-section. One reason I would rather have c-section scheduled is so I don't bleed to death. Secondly, the women in my family have had their children through c-section because of the way we are built. I have been told, as was my sister, that because of the way my pelvic bones are I will probably HAVE TO have a c-section if the baby is estimated to weigh over 6 pounds. I have always been told that so I have gotten used to the idea. So, if you are judging me because I don't pose as a martyr and say I want to have 24 hours worth of hard labor with no drugs what so ever, let me say for the record that it's none of your business. You are not perfect, there are no saints/angels on this planet, at least none that blog. I find it ridiculous and shocking that there are people out there who call themselves infertile because they had to take a few pills to get pregnant, have never had a miscarriage, whine about everything and then have the audacity to judge me for preferring a c-section...you know who you are. Try walking in my shoes. Six years of infertility, 4 IUIs, 3 IVFs, 3 miscarriages, 1 dead twin I am still carrying, over 300 shots now with 188 more to go and the fact that I will never have my own biological child give me the right to choose whatever fucking birth plan I deem necessary. Further, only an imbecile could think that I would choose something that was dangerous to my baby after trying to make him for six years.

For those of you, you know who you are, who have been nothing but supportive...thanks! I appreciate your character and class accompanied by the capability to have compassion. You are much more evolved than some.

First OB Appointment -- 12 Weeks

I finally got to see the regular OB today, except the doctor was not available. So I saw a nurse and a midwife...they were both great but I wish I could have actually seen the doc. I explained all my fears about going into labor 40 minutes from the hospital where my doctors deliver. We also discussed the Lovenox issue (blood thinner injectable I take in my stomach every day for anti thrombin antigen) and my fear of bleeding to death if I don't have a scheduled C-section. I got no definite answers. The ultra sound machine was ridiculously inferior to the ones at my IF clinic. I could barely make out the parts on my baby and we certainly could see no sex organs. The midwife said it was because the little one and sac were in the way...um, I don't think so. That was never a problem for Dr. T. Maybe I am just resistant to change. All in all it went well. The baby is doing great, heart rate is good, size is on target and he was moving around a lot. I also saw the little one...she's still there and about the same size, umbilical cord intact and all. The midwife said it is likely they will have to deliver her when my son is born. Honestly, that makes me sad. Still, I am so blessed to be where I am. I go back next week for the NT scan.

Graduated to Regular OBGYN

Yesterday I had a scheduled ultrasound with Dr. T. I asked when I could stop taking the estrogen and progesterone shots, do I go through week 11 and stop at 12 or go through week 12 and stop at 13? He said I finish after week 11 right at 12 weeks...WHOOHOO! That was definitely the response I was looking for. He started the ultrasound and my baby was absolutely all over the place turning front to back and jumping, literally jumping up and down. I said "I don't know why but I feel like this baby is a boy." Dr. T goes "Looks like a boy to me and shows me the extra material between his legs! It was amazing! So I said "Well I shouldn't buy anything blue yet but you're pretty sure, right?" Dr. T said "Looks like a boy to me...this is the chord and this is not." Richard was not with me so doc gave me like 10 pictures. You can see it in 3 of them, one really well. His heartbeat looked "strong and healthy" and Dr. T said I could go upstairs to the regular OB because "You're out of the woods now." I am so excited! I can't believe we are having a boy, that makes me so happy. Of course it would be great either way but the fact that we're going to have a tiny little version of Richard sends me over the moon! He hates that he missed it and looked at the pictures a million times last night. Our little boy is now 37.2 mm long and he was 32.7 just last Thursday. So he's growing like a weed. I feel like I am in a fairy tale. Richard and I keep repeating "we're having a boy" to each other and we can't stop smiling but we feel like crying all the time we are so happy.
My next appointment is October 2nd. That's only just over a week from now, I can do that. We haven't touched the Doppler since the doctor told us to put it away until after 12 weeks...that's only a week away!
The little one was still there but is beginning to shrink some. So, one is viable but I am still carrying two. I wish we could have saved her.

Doppler Sucks!

After finding the heart beat that one time, we can't find it again. So I decided, being the raving lunatic that I am, to go to the clinic and beg for an ultra sound today. I am scheduled for one on Monday, but I just could not wait that long...it was driving me even crazier. In my own defense though, I did just find out on Friday that one of my babies was dead, so fuck it! I had to know that the other one was okay. He is...the heart beat was "great" according to the doctor though he did not give me a number of beats per minute, not even estimated. I asked. The baby was 23.2 mm last Friday, today he is 32.7 and the ultra sound machine clocked him at 10 weeks 1 day, which is exactly where we are. He was moving around a lot, arms and legs. At one point the nurse laughed and said, "look he's waving at us." The doctor, who is not my regular doctor but was very nice, said "it (meaning the pregnancy) couldn't be any healthier, you can relax." He also gave me 5 pictures, so I do feel much better. I'm still going to my Monday appointment though! I took a belly pic (top left, I can't figure out how to put it in the post, yes I am a dork) just for the heck of it...I can see a bump, can't you? The nurses were making fun of me for buying a doppler, I told them I'd mortgage the house and buy one of those $30k ultra sound machines if Richard would let me.

Doppler Came

I will be 10 weeks on Wednesday and we heard the heart beat with the doppler. I love it! This is such a nice reprieve from Friday. If you are wondering if a doppler is worth the money, it absolutely is. Richard is always saying that the baby is on my left side, and I am always like "yeah right, you don't know." He was exactly right, too. The minute he set the doppler down on the left side we heard the heart beat immediatley. It was awesome! Thank God I am still pregnant!

9 Week Ultra Sound

Dr. T was right. The little one does not have a heart beat this week. She is bigger, she went from 9.3mm last week to 15.2mm this week but her heart beat was not there...we checked several times. He attributes her growth to swelling that happens after growth stops. Dr. T says she will absorb. I asked twice if he thought she would break down and bleed out of me and he said "no." Thank God for that! I am grateful to report that the big one has grown to 23.2mm this week from 16.8mm and he resembles a teddy bear. I can clearly make out the head, body, arms and legs. He was moving his little arms a lot during the ultra sound, which made me laugh...until I realized his sister was no longer alive.

While I am so thankful to have the healthy one, I am extremely sad for the little one. First of all it just hurts my feelings that she tried so hard, I saw her little heart beat twice. Also, it was so glorious to feel like my body was not only going to do the right thing once (relative to child bearing), but twice. I should stop because this is not good and I should just be grateful for the one and shut up, and I am grateful. I. am. just. so. hurt.

8 Week Ultra Sound

I cried all night worrying that I may not see the little one's heart beat on the ultra sound today...but I did! We saw both heart beats. The little one's heart beat should be around 120+ beats per minute and was a little low. The doctor estimated that her heart rate was around 90 bpm. The big one was estimated to be around 150 bpm, which is perfect I am told. Dr. T says we could still lose the little one and that is, in his opinion, the most likely scenario. However, he has seen cases like this where the little one catches up.
Here are the stats from the original ultra sound, the last ultra sound (11 days ago) and today's:

Baby A is the biggest one and the closest to my cervix (the way out)

8/22 6weeks 1day baby A: 3.8mm
8/22 6weeks 1day baby B: no measurement taken

8/25 6weeks 4days baby A: 6.2mm
8/25 6weeks 4days baby B: 2.7mm (measuring @ 5weeks 6days based on size, not real time)

9/05 8weeks 2days baby A: 16.8mm - 270% growth from last u/s
9/05 8weeks 2days baby B: 9.3mm (measuring @ 7weeks based on size, not real time) - 340% growth from last u/s

Dr. T wants me to come back weekly for ultra sound now...shit, I'd be there 3 times a week with bells on if they'd let me! He did say that there are instances where the little one may not be implanted as well as the big one. In some of those cases as the little one grows bigger, the attachment can become stronger and the fetus can recieve more oxygen/nutrients and catch up. That is exactly how I am going to think, too. Because while baby A did more than double in size, baby B more than tripled! She's scrappy!

Yay! I Feel Like Shit Again!

Well, thankfully I woke up feeling like if I didn't eat something I was going to puke up a lung! Yes! Still pregnant! I know how sad and ridiculous this must sound but I actually do much prefer the sickly days to the ihavenosymptomsatall days. With today being more than half over, my 8 week ultra sound appointment is only 2.5 days away. All I can do is hope they are both still there with healthy heart beats. I keep reading conflicting information on the 8 week ultra sound. Isn't this when you first hear the heart beat? Another one I keep getting conflicting info on is the Doppler. When can I hook that baby up? I've heard 12 weeks but has anyone heard earlier than that? I am so ready to feel more confident about this - but I am beginning to wonder if that will really ever happen.
I finally broke down and bought a pregnancy book. It's good but a lot of it doesn't apply to my situation. So, I ordered a couple of pregnancy after IVF books from Amazon. Hopefully those will be better - any suggestions?

I Feel Nothing

The past couple of weeks I wake up hungry as a bear and feeling like if I don't eat I will puke. Also I have had the flu like symptoms bothering me from around 2:00 PM on. This morning and yesterday morning I woke up feeling more "normal." This scares me! I don't want to feel nothing. I need those symptoms for reassurance. My next ultra sound is not until Friday - 4 days from now. I will wait but it will be hard. If I don't feel like I'm going to puke tomorrow morning I'm gonna be really upset. It's after 12:00 noon and I haven't eaten anything yet today. I got up at 10:30. I do feel remotely hungry but nothing else. What does this mean?

7 Weeks

I am so happy to have come this far and to have seen both heartbeats! I haven't had morning sickness per say though I have had nausea a few times when I was hungry and had not eaten in a while. Mostly though I feel like I have the flu. I have muscle and joint aches and pains, the chills and it feels like I have a fever but I don't. Since a lot of women have morning sickness defined by nausea and vomiting I didn't know what to make of the flue-like symptoms at first. We read on line that can be common. I am not reading any baby books yet like "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and the like because I am afraid to buy them. So as things happen I just look on line for an explanation. My next ultra sound is a week from today at 8 weeks. By then we should hear the heartbeats - it's hard to imagine what that will be like since I have no frame of reference but I am so excited. Other symptoms: everything smells especially pungent to me. I can barely open the refrigerator so most of the time I go for fruit which sits in a bowl on the kitchen counter. I now definitely have a gag reflex - that's all new...enough said. I've gained 3 or 4 pounds but I think it's mostly water, I am certainly not showing yet.
It's kind of hard just sitting around but I would do just about anything to ensure live birth. Yesterday was particularly hard because it was my grandmother's and my sister's birthday. My sister is fine but Gram passed this March at the ripe old age of 93. She was a real "spit fire." A realtor for 36 years in Atlanta and a model before that. Though we rarely saw eye to eye we were a lot alike and I miss her. I had a dream last night that I told her I am pregnant with twins. She laughed, held my hands and said she told me so. Every time we've disappointed she's known about it and each time she said "it'll be all right, I just know it will"...I hope she knows I love her.

2 Sacks and 2 Heartbeats!

I am absolutely shocked, thrilled and amazed! Apparently the tiny little sack we saw last week was more viable than we thought...the little being within it has a heartbeat. The larger one that was 3.8mm as of Friday is 6.2mm today. The little one is 2.7mm. We don't know what will happen but we are very hopeful now. We did not measure the beats per minute for either embryo at this point because the doctor said it's too early. My next appointment is 11 days from now on September 5th. I am so glad he or she is still alive...only happy, positive thoughts from here on out and I do believe that the past 3 days of bed rest have helped. I'm not getting up except when I have to for the next 6 weeks. What a wonderful surprise!

I am so Grateful for the Healthy One

The ultra sound showed that I have one healthy pregnancy, including a very strong heart flutter. The other is much smaller and is breaking down. It looks like it stopped growing some time ago because the sac is approximately 1/3 the size of the healthy one. The one that is dissolving is deepest in my uterus and the healthy one is therefore in front of it and closer to my cervix. The doctor described 3 scenarios: it could just absorb into my body, it could bleed around the healthy pregnancy which is what it's been doing so far or it could push the healthy pregnancy out (thought this does not seem likely to me since the healthy one is lower and it's been bleeding around it so far anyway). I am extremely elated and grateful for the healthy one. I am sad for the one that is breaking down. Thank God I get to be pregnant for another day and it looks like things are going really well with the healthy one. Everything I have read says that the embryo at this point should be between 2 and 4 mm. He or she is 3.8mm and that makes me very happy.

Thanks for all the love and support girls.

Super Scary Days!

WARNING: THIS IS GOING TO BE A VERY GRAPHIC POST! YOU MAY WANT TO STOP HERE IF YOU GET SQUEAMISH ABOUT BODILY FLUIDS!
Believe it or not, even though I use fowl language and periodically go off on emotional rants, I was brought up not to discuss bodily fluids and the like in mixed company. Since every body in the world who has access to a computer could potentially read this post I am going to consider that mixed company. Unfortunately though, there are other women out there who are experiencing infertility. I owe it to them to be honest and detailed. If just one infertile woman out there needs this information then it is worth throwing etiquette out the window.
Here goes: yesterday I spotted just a little bit. It was very light brown and only the size of a dime in my panties. No other blood came for the rest of the day - not even when I wiped. Still, I was alarmed to say the least and I had a feeling there would be more. So I called my husband, who is in Las Vegas for a trade show right now trying to work, and told him. He seemed to think everything would be okay. Late last night I felt like I had the flu. I had joint and muscle aches along with the chills. This morning I got up and was getting ready to go to my clinic for a 5th beta, I just wanted to make sure since I had the spotting yesterday. While I was standing there putting on my makeup I felt a gush of blood. When I wiped it was bright, crimson red and of course I panicked. I peed and saw more red blood in the toilet. I wiped again and again and each time came up with bright, red, fresh blood. I put on a pad and finished getting ready. My mother-in-law called to check on me and I told her the news. She has been giving me my shots since Richard left town on Tuesday, so she knew about the spotting yesterday. My mother then called and I told her the news also. Both my mother and my mother-in-law insisted on going with me, they didn't want me to be alone. I am very grateful that they were with me. We went to the clinic and the nurses were very supportive. They said that this happens with a lot of their IVF patients and everything can still turn out okay. They took blood for my 5th beta. I asked if I could have an ultrasound since technically I am 6 weeks tomorrow. They asked that I come back tomorrow at 3:00 and recommended that I go home, get in bed and put my feet up. So here I am, back in the bed. I will stay here for 9 months if it means I get 1 live infant. I was getting ready around 10:00 AM when the bleeding, not spotting, started. If I had to guess I would say that there was enough volume there to cover the surface area of a thin Always pantie liner. Since then, 5 hours have gone by and the blood has turned to a dark chocolate brown. My pad has a stripe of dark brown blood in it that is roughly the width of a pencil and approximately 3 to 3.5 inches in length. My clinic just called with my numbers and they are 15,214. My last beta was Saturday (4 days ago) and my beta was 4253. My numbers look "great" according to my clinic. But I am so fucked in the head right now all I can think is, "what if this morning before I started bleeding they were higher?"
This could be so many things. It could be that my body is just changing a lot and my uterus is trying to accommodate the new being(s) inside. It could be the beginning of a single or double miscarriage. It could be none of the above. All I can do is wait. I've stopped crying, begging and negotiating with God. This is not up to me. Lots of my friends have responded by telling me tales of people they know who had bleeding in their first trimester and still had a live birth. For now I will hold on to those stories and my more than stellar number. I will stay as calm as I possibly can and stay in bed. I know I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, maybe I deserve this, but I still want a family more than anything.

4th Beta

OK, I am ridiculous but I was worried so I asked my nurse if I could come in for one more beta. She was awesome, as usual, and said to come on in. I asked if my number should have doubled twice since Tuesday and she said not necessarily. Apparently after the first 3 betas the numbers don't have to double they just have to go up...this was before I did my blood test so I know she wasn't just trying to make me feel better. Today my beta was 4253. I asked if that was okay and she said it was wonderful so I'll just take her word for it. I feel better. Now I just have to wait until Monday week (August 25th) to have my first ultra sound at six weeks. Unfortunately Richard is out of town all next week so I'll have to find someone else to spat my psycho baby babel at in the evenings. I've been staying really busy during the day trying not to focus on making it to 12 weeks but honestly that is all I think about. I have noticed some changes though and they are like little drops from heaven because they keep me from completely freaking out. My stomach, below the belly button is hard and starting to protrude all ready, yes I know it sounds crazy at only 5 weeks but seriously it is. My boobs...oops not allowed to talk about those, let's just say they're different. A lot of times when I stand up I get a cramp where my ovaries are, a friend of mine said that was normal for early pregnancy. No nausea yet but that probably won't start until 6 weeks, if it's going to happen. I really hope it does. I know that sounds crazy but the 2 weeks between my 6 week and 8 week ultra sound are going to be torturous and at least if I am puking my guts out I'll know the hormones are strong and therefore the pregnancy probably is. I know, a lot of people don't get morning sickness and their pregnancies end up just fine. But I have been through too much to look at anything regarding pregnancy rationally. So yes, I hope I get sick as a dog, without harming the baby or babies.

When we get to that point I am going to have to order a doppler. I'll probably drive myself nuts with it but it'll be worse without it.

I get to be pregnant for another day - Whooo hooo!

3rd Beta

Today was crazy! Between travelling to another city for my blood test and to see Richard's father in the hospital (he had surgery today), meeting a friend for lunch, going to yet another city to see my mom and then back to the hospital to see Richard's father, I got my final beta numbers. My last was 614 and they wanted today's number to be above 1200 - it was 1378! I actually finally feel some relief now. I am still aware of what can happen but I am so glad to have made it this far and so grateful that my number more than doubled. I go back on the 25th for the first ultrasound (6 weeks) and then on the 5th of September for the 8 week ultrasound. Richard's father also got wonderful news today so we are on top of the world right now.

2nd Beta

Second beta today was 614. They wanted it to be over 600 since it was 320 on Friday. That's good. It didn't exactly double but I am delighted with that number. One more on Tuesday...

First Beta

Why is it called a beta check when they are checking for HCG? Last time I was pregnant my first beta was on day 14 and it was 134. This time I am only at day 12 and it is 320. The nurse that called and told me was my nurse the first 2 cycles of IVF. She is great, and she said on day 14 they are looking for at least 75 - at least I think that is what she said. She has a little bit of an accent so it was either 75, 175 or 275. Either way I am well above that and it is only day 12. Whe she called her words were, "your beta is 320 and that is awesome." Whooohooo! I'm afraid to be excited but I am anyway.

The spotting / tinting, whatever you want to call it was there again this morning but only when I wipe and it is brown. The nurse I spoke to today confirmed that as long as it is brown or pink, no worries. Sorry to be so graphic. It stopped completely around mid day. Hopefully it'll be gone by tomorrow and I won't have to see it at all any more.

So the plan is, go back for another beta on Sunday and they will call me with the number. They want it to be around 600 by then. Next, I'll go back on Tuesday and they'll want that number to be around 1200 I presume. All is well today, I got to be pregnant again;o>

Thanks for all the support girls - I really need it and it means so much to me.

Scary Day

WARNING: THIS IS GOING TO BE A GRAPHIC POST - YOU MAY WANT TO STOP HERE IF YOU'RE SQUEAMISH ABOUT BODILY FLUIDS!

As usual I woke up having to pee. This particular morning though I had 3 new reasons to be scared out of my mind. First, I woke up with a new kind of cramp. It kind of feels like I have a urinary tract or bladder infection - like pressure. Second, after I peed when I wiped I found brownish tinting on the toilet paper. The second time I peed it was worse and then it got a little better. Finally I put on a pad. Not one drop on it all day long but still when I wipe I get a tiny little bit of brownish blood. I told myself that this had to be old stagnant blood from last week that was there due to the implantation. The third new reason I have to worry is that I was nauseated and weak today. I really tried not to get upset but I did. I called my clinic. My nurse called me back after 5:00 (they work long crazy hours) and told me that the brownish blood is nothing to be concerned about. She also told me that lots of people describe the pressure cramping to her, so not to be concerned. We agreed I should come in tomorrow for my first blood pregnancy test. The other two will be on Sunday and Tuesday. It's been a terrifying, long day that started at 5:00AM. Most women would not have freaked out as badly as I did but every time I've started with brown blood and graduated to bright red and I end up not pregnant any more. This morning I was absolutely horrified I would end up there again. It turned out ok, though and I am so grateful that I get to be pregnant for another day. God I hope tomorrow is better.

I Got Tagged

Objective:
Write 6 random things about yourself

1. I was a fat kid. Everyone made fun of me and called me "fatty" for years in grade school. I hated it and when I do become a parent, whether it be through donor eggs, naturally or adoption, I will make sure my child is not one of those who teases others...about anything!
2. I come from a broken home. My dad and I are close now but for a long time I did not know him very well and that still breaks my heart. Unfortunately, typically little girls who grow up with out a father can have low self esteem.
3. I love to teach. I am not a school teacher but I did design and facilitate corporate training for almost 8 years at my last job. I loved training adults and trying to help make their lives a little easier at work.
4. I love animals...um, no shit, right?
5. My nick name (mom only) is Shiner because when I was little I went to summer day camp at my elementary school. Everyday that I could I would slide down the hill behind the school on my knees. The hill was not covered with regular green grass, instead it was tall straw-colored grass. By the end of the summer several pairs of my dark blue jeans had white shiny knees. Originally, I was called "Knee Shiner" but as time went on it got shortened to Shiner.
6. My sister and I were latch-key kids. We would ride the bus home, walk up the hill to our apartment and let ourselves in with a key that hung around my older sister's neck. We were not allowed to go out side because my mom wanted us to be safe. We locked the door, watched TV and completed our list of chores. It gave us both a very very good work ethic.

2 Pink Lines

Monday morning I woke up to pee really early and Richard goes "are you going to test?" So of course that's all it took for me to cave and I did test. I waited for the line(s) to appear and only one did. So I yelled from the bathroom to Richard, who was still in bed, "this is not good." I handed him the test and crawled back in bed. I tried not to get upset, telling myself it was still just too early. But Richard wouldn't take his eyes off that test and finally he said "Um, there's a faint 2nd line here, honey." I looked and just barely could see the outline or shadow of the faintest little whisper of a second line. Since I did not get a trigger shot of HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) because I didn't need to ovulate because I didn't make the eggs, there's not really any way I could get a false positive. The test is specifically looking for HCG, so I could get a false negative but not a false positive...virtually impossible. So I went through the day happy but scared because I know what can happen, we've been here before. Tuesday morning that 2nd pink line was stronger. Today it was completely solid. I am very happy and very afraid. I will test every day until I have my first blood pregnancy test on Monday. Two days later I will go back to make sure those HCG numbers have doubled and 2 days after that the same. Last time my first blood pregnancy test was good but the next two were not. I am extremely grateful to have made it this far, now all I can do is hope and pray this continues.

After I tested this morning I tried to log on and of course the Internet was down...perfect! I went to lunch with my mom and we went to see The Dark Knight - Batman. It was really really good!

At lunch my mom told me a story about a friend of hers who has this puppy that her (the friend's) niece just dropped off at her house. Let's call my mom's friend that has the puppy "Mary." Mary told me last week that the puppy is pretty big and stays outside all day every day with her other dog who is a Shitzu. Mary also said that the puppy has an eye that is extremely infected and that when her niece got the puppy the people told her the puppy was blind out of that eye and that the eye needed to be removed. So Mary tells me all this last week and as a side note mentions that she is considering letting her brother either take the puppy and drop it off in the middle of nowhere (with one good eye in the 100 degree heat) or letting him shoot her. She went on to say that she doesn't have time for her dog much less the puppy and feels really bad that the puppy practically mauls her every time she brings her food because she's so starved for attention. She finished by saying it was likely that the eye would just "pop out on it's own and heal up." I kindly removed myself from the conversation after begging and pleading with her not to resort to either abandoning or shooting the puppy, but I had to keep my head because we have 4 rescued cats (one just died, we had 5). And we have 5 dogs. Only 2 of those dogs are rescues I am almost embarrassed to say. Today though my mother tells me that Mary and Mary's brother both mentioned abandoning or shooting the dog to her, too.

Yesterday I went to my little pottery shop with mom to paint and we met a woman there who was painting bowls for her dogs. She told us that she has rescued 6 dogs that live with her on her 1.5 acres of land and has fostered many many more. She is a survivalist trainer for the Army...how awesome is that? Anyway we talked and she was just a great person I could tell. So today when my mom mentioned that Mary must really be contemplating abandoning or shooting her neglected puppy I really freaked out. I went to the pottery shop and got the Army lady's number and called her. I asked only that she help me find a home for this puppy. I offered to go get the pup this weekend with Richard's help and even pay to have the eye fixed if I couldn't get Mary or Mary's niece to do the right thing. Army lady sprung into action and was at Mary's door to retrieve the puppy within 10 minutes of our conversation. She even has a friend who works with rescues and will do the surgery for a fraction of the regular cost. I just spoke to her a little while ago and Daisy was sitting on the couch with her watching the other dogs. She had cleaned all the puss out of her infected, rotting, painful eye and given her a bath. She'd finally had to drag her off the air conditioning vent for fear that she may freeze herself to death.

So there we are. All is well today. The puppy is now clean, hydrated, safe and being loved. I am currently pregnant, I almost can't believe that one, and I pray that doesn't change.

Busted

Richard cold busted my ass trying to sneak and take a pregnancy test this morning. I woke up and tiptoed out of the room. I ran across the living room to the kitchen to retrieve the pregnancy test and headed back towards our guest bath which is about 5 feet down the hall from our bedroom door. I heard him get up to let the dogs out in our bedroom and thought "oh, he'll jump right back in the bed and fall back to sleep." So I went into the guest bath, ripped open the plastic packaging with my teeth, looked up and there he was glaring at me. I handed him the test and he snatched it away. So, so, so close. He's right though, we should wait until I would get an accurate reading...it's just really really really really really really really hard. (You know how some times some people say something is hard and then you experience it yourself and find that that was the understatement of the century? Well this is one of those times - there are no words to justify just how hard it is not knowing what the deal is.) Last week I was so strong when I said it's going to be what it is and how I don't have any control over what happens. All of that still applies...I just want to know one way or the other right fucking now! So Richard and I have decided to wait until Wednesday to test. Tomorrow marks exactly one week since transfer of 5 day blasts. So 7 + 5 = 12 days. That's just 2 days shy of 2 solid weeks (14 days), so if my tests are early response tests I should be okay to take one tomorrow. I probably won't though because it would just tear me up and cause a bunch of stress on my body if I got a BFN (big fat negative for you newbies) and the test box says it only works 5 days early on 60% of the population.

Fuck it - I'm waiting - it's not worth it. I'll wait until Wednesday but not one second later than first pee, whatever time that is Wednesday morning. This sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe if I don't drink anything else tonight and I wake up with an ultra concentrated pee in the morning...nope, I'm waiting!

Tonight I had my first ever extreme bright red face, had to get a cold compress hot flash. It was after my estrogen and progesterone shots. Hopefully this is a good sign that my body is making progesterone in addition to the injections. I also had seriously noticeable heart palpitations - though that started before I ever got my shots. It got worse afterwards. No clue what that means but if it means I'm pregnant I'll take it.

Tomorrow is Richard's birthday. We (the family) gave him all the computer geek stuff he loves so much today at his birthday celebration. Everyone came over to our place and ate, it was nice. Both nieces attended and the 1.5 year old loved the nursery. She kept pointing at the wall and saying "lion...roar!" Too cute! The other, who is one week and two days old let me hold her for about an hour. She fell asleep on my chest, with her tiny little head on my heart - God I love her and I've only known her a week.

Ok, here's what I'll do until I can test:
Tomorrow:

• wish Richard happy birthday
• finish painting giraffe on the wall in the nursery (yes I added another animal on the wall - I'm bored, what do you want?)
• acupuncture
• make Richard an awesome birthday meal or take him out

Tuesday:

• hair cut
• paint with mom at pottery shop

Wednesday:

• test
• blog
• freak out or jump for joy

Karma

I live in a very small town compared to where I grew up. There are no secrets here. I knew going into this that it was likely townsfolk would find my blog. I don't have any concrete evidence that is true but I feel like it is. For those of you who've known me for the past almost nine years since I moved here, well you know I am anything but perfect. I've made mistakes. Huge mistakes. I've even inadvertently hurt people. So, if you are one of those people and you are able to read my blog, discover my pain and derive some pleasure from it...good for you. At least my infertility has not been in vain. It has brought happiness to someone. Who knows, maybe the 6 years of hell I've been going through is a result of karma. I don't know. What I do know is that I am thankful for my husband, my life and the opportunity to have a family one way or the other.

Crampy, Testy, Bumpy

I can understand why I was crampy on Wednesday - that was the most likely day implantation would occur. I can even understand some residual cramping on Thursday but I am also crampy today. I just want to know what this means one way or the other. Obviously we all know which way I want that to be but as you all know, not knowing really sucks. So, lets work this out again, even though I already worked it out in the comments section of another post with Sasha. If the embryos were 5 day transfers that means that instead of waiting 14 days to test I really only have to wait 9 days from transfer, right? That would be August 6th - next Wednesday. Any objections?

My BFF commonly uses a special southern colloquialism that I always find amusing, "well they can just choose up sides and kiss my ass." This is the same person who once said something so redneck, I mean southern, I did not get it for days. (We were at the hospital visiting one of our co-workers and a personal friend of mine who had just given birth to a baby boy. We went in and visited for a while and then I held him. I did rock him some and move around when I was holding him because I thought babies liked that since that's kind of what they experience in the womb. Anyway, as soon as I put him down he spit up. So I go, "Gosh, I hope I didn't make him sick by rocking him too much." My BFF goes "Oh, Candace, he hadn't long been ate"...um...what?) Sometimes I even use it to emphasize a point so it bothers me that right now if anyone decided to "choose up sides and kiss my ass" I would probably automatically come at them swinging from the pain or they would run away screaming at the sight of my bruised, lumpy, feverish, pin-cushion ass. It's a small price to pay...I just hope this works so I can be a glutton for punishment for 8 more weeks.

BTW - Richard says my boobs are huge...awesome!

Sort of Tagged, Really I'm Just Bored!

Ariela got tagged and suggested people volunteer to answer these questions with one word. Since I'm pathetic and bored and lying around on my painful, lumpy butt any way I figured why not. Here goes:

1. Where is your cell phone? charging
2. Your significant other? precious
3. Your hair? short
4. Your mother? helpful
5. Your father? improving
6. Your favorite thing? animals
7. Your dream last night? weird
8. Your favorite drink? wine
9. Your dream/goal? baby
10. The room you're in? bed
11. Your hobby? painting
12. Your fear? failure
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy
14. What you're not? mommy
15. Muffins? banana
16. One of your wish list items? infant
17. Where you grew up? Atlanta
18. The last thing you did? water
19. What are you wearing? sweats
20. Favorite Gadget? phone
21. Your pet? many
22. Your computer? laptop
23. Your mood? weary
24. Missing someone? sister
25. Your car? awesome
26. Something you are not wearing? bra
27. Favorite Store? Limited
28. Like someone? Richard
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? minutes
31. Last time you cried? Monday

Greetings from my Bed

I have been in bed since Monday evening after my transfer and acupuncture appointments...today is Wednesday so that doesn't seem so bad, right? Well not for regular people but I (super neurotic hyper OCD ass) am going out of my mind! The good news is that I have completed painting 3 ceramic pieces, my mom has been here to help the past 2 days and I have lots of "Medium" to watch. I love stuff about psychic encounters - I'm extremely skeptical of them but find them completely fascinating none the less. Up until I started writing this post I really haven't felt any thing except for the pain from the giant knots and bruises on my ass as a result of umpteen million intramuscular progesterone and estrogen shots. Right now though I am feeling kind of crampy. I am hoping and praying that is a good thing. When I was at acupuncture on Monday, my acupuncturist told me to quit worrying. Easier said than done, right? Then he went on to say that worry accomplishes absolutely nothing. In fact, in my case it could hurt things a whole lot. So he said to consider myself pregnant until proven otherwise and I've pretty much kept that attitude. It's not that I didn't know worrying is absolutely useless but he just reminded me that with infertility there are no breaks. Every body's experience is unique, there is no magic formula and the women affected are completely powerless to definitively determine their out come. It's going to be what it is and there is nothing I can do about it. The worrying REALLY does not help - which I've been told all of my life. Since I come from a long line of worry warts, it's usually really hard to stop that habit but not this time. So hopefully that crampy feeling I'm getting in the pit of my gut accompanied by a severe head ache is a result of my hatched embies implanting in my uterus. If not, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. So that's what I'm going to think.

3 to Freeze

Today they called and said I have 3 more blasts to freeze. They did not give me exact numbers but said the looked really good so I'm thinking 3 or 4. I feel pretty good and have been trying to keep busy so I don't think about it so much. I go back to the clinic in 7 days for blood work to make sure my progesterone is okay...seems a little too late to me but what do I know. I'm sure I'll cave on the 7th and do a home pregnancy test.

Transfer

Today we transferred 2 blastocysts. One was a grade 4 and the other 3+. The transfer went well as far as everyone could tell. So now it's time for the two week wait. I feel pretty good about it. They said they will probably freeze 3 or 4 more blastocysts tomorrow.

Transfer and Embryo Grading

Finally got the call at 1:40 PM...whew! Of the 11 embryos 10 are left, one stopped growing. Of those 10 here is a break down of the info I was given on each one. These are yesterday's numbers since they do not check them on day 4 (today). Remembering that the grading scale is from 0 to 4, 4 being the best

• 6 are 8 cell, of those 6, 4 are grade 4 and 2 are graded at 3+
• 2 are 9 cell, both of those are grade 3
• 2 are 4 cell, she did not give me the grade but I would guess below 3 = not good

So realistically we have 8 good embryos as of yesterday - someone once titled their blog post "Attrition is a Bitch" and they were right. Of the original 24 follicles we got 12 eggs and of those 12, 11 became embryos and now only 8 are really viable. Hey, I'm happy but the moral of the story is 8 viable embies from 24 follicles for those of you who are new to this game.

By tomorrow we will have more info and I am hoping and praying the 6, 8 cells will make it to blastocysts before the transfer so that our chances of implantation will increase. Our transfer is at 2:30 PM.

No Info on the Grading and Transfer

It's well after noon and we have yet to hear from our clinic about the grades of our embryos and the time of our transfer tomorrow. Don't they know we're freaking the fuck out?

More Positive News

Today the embryology department from my clinic called. They said that of the 11 which fertilized properly we have the following embryos:

• 2 cells - 3
• 3 cells - 1
• 4 cells - 5
• 5 cells - 2

I was told that the 4 celled embryos are the best. I was thinking it would be the 5 cells but I think it's based on morphology and that they want the embryos to divide evenly...not totally sure. Any who, that's awesome because we have 5 that are 4 cell and that means enough for freeze. I also understand that a 5 day transfer is better than 3 because it indicates that the embryos are doing well in the lab and theoretically if they can do well there they will do great in the uterus. Plus by the time they transfer them they are bonafide blastocysts - which is strong.

As of right now we are looking at a 5 day transfer, which would be Monday. This is great news - I am so scared to be excited!

In other news the family members who are really close to us that planned their latest pregnancy around my last failed IVF cycle had their baby last night. She was born 13 days after my dead baby would have been born...awesome! I love her though, she's beautiful and doing very well at 9 lbs and 6 oz.

Thanks for all the support, ladies. It means so much to me.

News

Currently there are 11 embryos doing well according to the nurse at my clinic. I am afraid to even type this post for fear of jinxing but realistically it's going to be what it is regardless of what I do. I am both happy and sad. I am grateful and angry. I want this baby more than anything but it still hurts that my eggs couldn't do it. Someone else's eggs will make it with Richard's sperm and mine can't. Still, I just want this to work so I can feel the joy of motherhood and leave the past 6 years of disappointment behind us.

Egg Retrieval

ER went well! She had 24 follicles and dropped 14 eggs. Attrition being a real bitch we may end up with half of that but 7 embryos would be great! I only made 5 eggs and only 1 fertilized properly. We will know more on Friday, like how many eggs fertilized and what grade they are. My clinic grades on a scale of 0 - 4, 4 is the best. My one little embie was only a grade 2 and she implanted so things do look good.
Everyone at my clinic was really nice today when we went to drop off Richard's sample. Three different staff members told me what a kind and wonderful person our donor is. That makes me feel so much better. I cried when we left because I was just overwhelmed with emotion. I am so glad that she developed almost 3 times as many eggs as I did. I am so glad that my lining is where it needs to be. I am so glad I am doing acupuncture this time and am starting to feel calmer. I am so glad she is a good person. I am filled with hope and scared to death at the same time. I just want a healthy baby...God, please let this work.

The Plan is in Motion!

Our donor is being triggered tonight so her retrieval is set for Wednesday. If it's a 3 day transfer we'll go on Saturday, if 5 day then Monday. No more Lupron, still have to take the Lovonox shot every day along with progesterone in oil intramuscular shots starting tomorrow. Also estrogen intramuscular shots every Thursday and Sunday. We will know for sure whether we're transferring Saturday or Monday by this Friday.

My uterus is doing great, in fact it is "gorgeous" halo - lining has to be at least 8mm mine is at 10mm today and should be even better by Saturday / Monday transfer. Our donor is doing great and topped out at around 4000 estrodial which means those precious eggs she'll be dropping should be nice and mature.

I went to the acupuncturist my clinic recommends only to be told that I am one giant stress ball. So, I have strict orders to chill the fuck out, quit with the caffeine and artificial sweeteners and lay off of the non organic fruits, veggies and meats. Richard agreed to help and my mom agreed to help. My father and step mother called yesterday and are completely supportive.

My only other extremely important and close to me lovely family family member decided to call me up just after the $110 acupuncture appointment and seethe profanity at me before she promptly hung up in my face.

WARNING:
I will not be taking calls from people who are not loving, sweet and low-key from here on out. If you are stressed out take your shit out on someone else because I am off limits until I find out if I am pregnant on August 8th or August 10th - depending on whether we do a 3 or a 5 day transfer. If I am pregnant I will then go back into hiding from raving lunatics until after I give birth...suck it up!

Those of you who do not hang up on me and seethe vile shit at me through a split tongue, thank you so very much for your support right now. It is invaluable to me as this is our final attempt at ART and we are so very hopeful, scared, stressed out and vulnerable right now.
I'm off to listen to Enya and paint my baby's nursery so I can relax.

Peace out!

My Awesome Husband

Richard surprised me today with a brand new shiny lap top! It is really fast and bright and just awesome! He is so sweet...now I will be able to blog, surf the Internet and create presentations when I am in bed after the transfer.

He asked that I not travel to my sister's house in Florida next week. So instead I will stay home, paint some more in the nursery and rest. That will also give me a chance to have more acupuncture appointments which is supposed to really help with implantation. I'll miss my nephew's 4th birthday - this will be the first one I've ever missed. I will miss my other nephew's 1st birthday and his baptism. My sister was really great about it and she understands how important it is that I don't take any risks right now...it's just hard to miss all of that.

No messages on the network today but they could give my donor her trigger shot as early as tomorrow. If so then she would ovulate Tuesday and transfer will be Friday probably. Otherwise they will trigger her on Monday, she ovulates Wednesday and transfer will be Saturday. 34 days down, 7 more to go...then the 2ww!

Transfer Set for Saturday or Sunday I Think

According to my clinic, they will give my donor her trigger shot on Monday or Tuesday. That means she will ovulate 36 hours later -- Wednesday or Thursday and the retrieval will be one of those two days. So if they do a 3 day transfer we're looking at Saturday or Sunday and if they do a 5 day we're looking at Tuesday or Wednesday of the next week...I think. They said her follicles were at 14mm yesterday and they must be at 18mm so if they grow 1mm per day we are at Monday for the trigger. I know at this point that she has a total of 24 follicles but I do not know how many are charting at over 10mm, smaller than that and they won't make it to maturity by the time they retrieve. I left a message to find out how many she has of size and should hear late afternoon.

In the midst of all of this my nephews both have a birthday next weekend and the baptism is planned for the same time. If the schedule works out according to plan I could go down for Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and drive back Saturday. I want to do acupuncture before and after the transfer though because I have heard a lot of success stories about that. Plus a friend from Resolve said she read a study on it and the chances of implantation increase by something like 50%+ because it increases blood flow to the uterus. Not that I need the help with my "gorgeous uterus" but I figure it can't hurt. Anyway I will find out if I can fit in the ultra sounds, the acupuncture and still get to my sister's for the festivities. At least I would be able to help out with planning and get to see my dad who I only usually see about once per year. Though I definitely could not stay for the baptism/birthday party that Saturday.

I finally started on painting the nursery. I decorated it in "cocoa babies" theme because of the safari animals. I love it - we are such animal suckers anyway. We've rescued like 10 animals...pretty much anything that looks like it is hungry. Any way I bought all the stuff for the nursery in December to get ready for my home study. I ordered vine/leaf stencils to go all the way around the room but they've just been sitting there for the past 6 months. So Monday I started drawing in the stencils with a pencil all the way around the top of the wall 7.5" from the ceiling. I have been painting in the vine, leaves and I also made a stencil out of the monkey, so he's hanging from the vine in 3 places. Hopefully this will look good when I am finished. I have completed 2 out of 4 walls...we'll see.

More to come when I hear from the nurse.

Correction

According to my clinic, my donor has 24 follicles. That is awesome!

Monitoring

I went in for blood work and ultra sound today. We are at least a week away from retrieval and my lining is "halo" 8.5. The nurse said they want it to be at least an 8, so we are good. I asked about my donor and how she was doing, they said great though they did not have the details in front of them. I should find out tonight when I listen to the results network, but they think she has at least 12 follicles that are of size, so that is also good. Things are looking good so far, thank God!

My nephew's baptism is next weekend and all of my family will be in J'ville Florida for the festivities. I hate to miss it--but I may not have to if her retrieval isn't until late next week. I should hear more tonight and then Friday.

There are no Accidents

Recently my husband and I went to see Kung Fu Panda. One quote that kept coming up in the movie was "There are no accidents." I'm beginning to think that may be true. Today I went to see a play, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory because my friend's daughter who turned 10 today was an Oompa Loompa. She did a great job, too she was completely animated, by far the best Oompa Loompa I have ever seen. Anyway, I live in a small town so the theatre is not very big, it maybe holds 350 people. I was one of the last people in to buy a ticket. I went upstairs to sit in the balcony and there was one seat left. The woman next to me was alone too so I struck up a conversation. She asked if I was working and I told her I quit to start a family, that it had been kind of a long road. She said she had 3 children, one of which was in the play and they were "all infertility babies." The play was kind of loud and there was a lot going on so we got each other's numbers and agreed to have lunch some time next week. I know infertility is estimated to affect 1 in 6 couples but I think it's pretty weird that we were seated next to each other at random like that.

It's been 28 days since I started taking drugs for this cycle. If all goes well, I have about 14 more to go. If it is supposed to, everything will work out because maybe there really aren't any accidents.

This Post is All Over the Place

Okay so I totally suck at titles...no one's perfect!


This is my blog. Please do not label me with more terrible names besides "infertile". If you have never had a miscarriage, please do not call me "deadbabymama" because I have. If you have never had to inject yourself once, much less 200+ times for 3 IVF cycles, are now pregnant and insensitive enough to label me because I have had 3 miscarriages just stop here because you will not get it.

My husband gave me my first intramuscular shot (for this cycle) the other night and I did not even feel it. He is a wonderful, beautiful, supportive awesome human being and I love him more than I can describe with words. I am extremely emotional right now because of coming off the bcpill, the Lupron putting me into menopause, the estrogen shot, the e-string adding more estrogen and the terribly painful Lovenox shots that have left bruises all over my belly. In spite of all this, he loves me anyway and continues to have my back.

Today I had to skip out on the baby shower. The people who are close to us, the ones that moved up their time frame of getting pregnant to when I did my last IVF cycle (when I only had a 20 - 30% chance of success) had their baby shower today. They said they just wanted to have a baby the same time we did so we could raise our children together. Their baby is due the same week ours would have been due. So, I woke up crying. I could not dismiss the thought that this is the day I would have had my first baby shower. Today I would have been giddy over our dream come true: successfully conceiving and carrying a child that Richard and I made together. Today I would have decorated my home with pink or blue balloons. Today I would have received the cake decorated with baby booties. Today I would have shown all of my guests the nursery. Today I would have hung up all the onesies, nighties and matching outfits. Today I would have organized all of the socks, hats, mittens, receiving blankets and diapers. Today we would have honored the little bundle of joy I was blessed enough to be carrying.

Thank God for my mother! Last week she offered to take me out if I decided not to go to the shower. I told her "no" though, because I was going. I had decided I would not be weak and defeated and that I would be at that shower even if I only stayed for a little while. But I just couldn't do it. So we went out to lunch. We also went to a little pottery shop we've been frequenting lately where you pick out an item to paint and they glaze and fire it for you..it really is lovely. Last time we were there I painted a little baby girl dressed up as a lady bug and gave it to the person who had the shower today.


I know that one day my mom and sister are going to throw me the mac daddy baby shower. I know that inevitably one day I will be a mother and I won't be able to verbalize my gratitude. But I am not there yet. I am still in limbo.


I have unresolved questions and feelings about my infertility and my miscarriages. For one, when people die there is a funeral. So, why is it that when a woman has a miscarriage, nobody wants to talk about it or even acknowledge it? Friends and family members shy away from conversations pertaining to it or just avoid you all together. For years I wandered around wondering why I felt the way I did...until Richard found the Resolve group for me. If not for that group I would still be feeling like an alien on this planet. Resolve lead to my experience with WUNC public radio. Last month I was part of a show on infertility and if not for that show I would not have met Sasha. She told me she found blogging very therapeutic. I remember thinking "I could never do that. It would be too hard to write out how I feel about my infertility." But she was right. It is much more stressful to hold all of this in. Thanks, Sasha. On the other hand, this is such personal information and that makes me feel extremely vulnerable about sharing it with the world. So even though these are some of my deepest thoughts and questions, I need to get them out...here goes:


What if my babies had a soul? Do they have a soul at 7, 8, 9 weeks? I know what they look like, which I hate to think about, but do they have a soul? If so, am I supposed to do something to honor them? What can I do to let go of this before I do the next transfer?

First Day of Stims

Well I was supposed to start estrogen when my donor started stims which was I thought a couple of days ago...nope! We had to wait for her to start her period. So now she starts her stims and I start estrogen (Estradiol Valerate) twice a week, Lovenox and Lupron daily for the time being. Tonight Richard is allowed to get me back for me acting like an asshole on July 4th by stabbing me with a big ass needle! Whoo hooo! At least we're getting started. I am excited for that at least;o>

Thinking Positive

I hope everyone had a great 4th. I managed to make an ass out of myself but it felt reeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllly good! Richard loves me! (that was sarcasm)

So I'm finally off the bcp and I'm down to 10 of the Lupron instead of 20. Yes, I have been having major hot flashes, nausea and mood swings but things are looking up.
List of positives:

• 20 more days until transfer max
• 85% chance of success
• off the bcp (this one usually causes the worst side effects for me)
• lost 3 pounds in the past few weeks some how, probably the depression, oops positives!
• I start estrogen shots tomorrow...in my butt...sooner I start, sooner it'll be over
• my donor starts her stimulants today
• donor is proven - her eggs have produced live babies
• she may only have to be on stims for 10 days which would move our schedule up
• I've been in this cycle for 21 days so I am just over half way finished (then comes the 2ww which also totally sucks, oh yeah this is supposed to be a list of positives...oops!)
• we could end up with twins
• maybe even a boy and a girl...how perfect

Okay that's all I've got, hopefully tomorrow I won't feel the 2 inch long needle go in my butt!

Put Up or Shut Up

This is for those who said you would be there for me when I got to this point of this cycle. I am cranky, hormonal, nervous and having hot flashes. You see on top of being on drugs that cause my body to go into a sort of menopausal state and a birth control pill that adds a whole new level of hormones to the mix I have to make some of the most important decisions of my life. So I am afraid. I am afraid of making the wrong decision about how many embryos to put back into my uterus. I am afraid of putting everything into this cycle (emotionally and financially) and ending up with nothing. I am afraid of saying "good bye" to the gray, fleshy material in the toilet for the fourth time. So please forgive me for being a little upset, angry, emotional and scared to death right now. Remember that you promised to understand when I got to this point. Remember that I have at least 6 more weeks of this and I haven't even started taking the progesterone and estrogen yet, so buckle down because this ride is probably only going to get bumpier.

By the way, this blog is for me! It is not for my family or my husband or anybody else but me. So if I throw questions out there it is because those are the ones I am pondering at that time and I am entitled to some worry, after all a lot is at stake.

Ethics Class

The ethics class presentation went well. The students and professor were attentive and seemed very non-judgemental. Some came up afterwards and wished me good luck. Others showed their empathy during my presentation with their expressions and reactions. The professor gave me a hug and told me he'd be praying for me. I met the girl who asked requested someone from the Resolve group speak to their class on infertility and she was so wonderful. She is quite possibly the strongest person I have ever met for making it through eight miscarriages, none of the pregnancies due to ART. Thankfully, she now has her cousin's daughter to care for, not to dismiss her pain because that would be impossible, but I am so glad she has the opportunity to mother this little girl. So, overall it was a good experience and I would do it again to help infertile women and those around them who don't know how to show them compassion.

Side note:
2 more days of the bcp...thank God! Hopefully I'll feel more human once I'm off of them!

Baby Shower

So I find out today that the family members who planned their second pregnancy around mine this past winter are having a baby shower. They are due two days before my husband's birthday. I should go out of respect but it will be very hard for me. On the other hand if I don't go I will just look weak and bitter, right?

Glucophage, Ethics Class, Resolve & My Family

Glugcophage:

Something I have left out of earlier posts is the fact that after my third lap surgery on my ovarian cysts my doctor put me on Glucophage. He said it helps some people who have PCOS ovulate regularly and could therefore increase my chances of getting pregnant. This was before any ART measures we took. So, I started on glucophage and shortly there after we did our first IUI and got pregnant. I had always been told that should I become pregnant I must come off of the glucophage, so naturally after the first time I found out I was pregnant I stopped taking it. Then I miscarried. When I told my doctor that I came off of the glucophage he said, "oh no, you were supposed to stay on it for the first 12 weeks." I am not even going to go into the guilt I felt over this...I'll save that for another day. Is there a correlation? Nobody has ever been ever to tell me definitively. So, here recently my doctor (GP) has told me that he thinks I may be on too much glucophage and that I have never been diagnosed as diabetic so he ran a bunch of tests. My liver readings came back high. So I am now charting my blood sugar for the first time since I started taking glucophage in 2004. I have been slightly decreasing the amount I normally take. I know it is stupid to be messing with my body right now but eventually (after 12 weeks) I would have to come off the glucophage anyway so why not wean myself off of it now if my blood sugar stays stable?



Ethics Class:

Monday morning I am scheduled to speak to a group of students in a college ethics class. The topic is reproductive technology and how it has affected my life. I hope to educate as many people on this subject as I possibly can for two reasons. One, maybe those who are not infertile will have a little more empathy for those that are (very selfish, yes I know). Two, maybe I will inspire someone who is denying the fact that they may be infertile to take some action before it is too late. Since this is an ethics class I must be ready for questions regarding "God's work" and the like. I think I can handle that one. If God didn't want me to take unnatural measures to become pregnant why did he give people the tools to get to the point where they could help me do just that? Maybe God doesn't want me to be a mother...how do I explain that to my heart?



My Resolve Meeting Last Night:

At the meeting we discussed many topics. One was what it would be like for my friend to kiss her little baby girl's lips when she gets her home (she is adopting from a foreign country). She is so ready to be a mother and it is so obvious to everyone that she will be an awesome parent. Another was what decisions I may be faced with in the weeks to come. If my donor stimulates well and we have many high quality embryos to choose from, how many will I put in? Well, for some that is an easy one...1, maybe 2, maybe even 3. For me this one is really hard because if I put in 3 and they all take it could be dangerous to the health of the babies or me and I am really uncomfortable with selective reduction. If I put in 2 and they both fail I will always hate myself for not putting in 3 or more. See where I am...totally confused! On the other hand, I may not have to face any of these choices because there are no guarantees that the donor will stimulate properly - much worse scenario. What about frozen embryos? If my donor produces say 10 eggs that fertilize properly and are above average embryos, I put some in and cryo freeze the others, right? Statistically frozen transfers have lower success rates. So do I put 5 fresh in a freeze the other 5? I am not sure about any of this...I better get there before the end of next month...tic toc.



My family:

My mom and sister are so incredibly supportive. They don't care how we become parents they just want us to be happy. That is so priceless. I can't imagine what it would be like if they were close minded about the donor cycle or the possibility of adoption. My sister even offered to give me her eggs...I can't imagine a more precious gift. I refuse to put her through the pain and ups and downs of fertility though. Not with two children ages 4 and 1 to take care of, no way. That is too selfish, though I considered it for a while. My mother is so eager to help me, too but she doesn't realize how helpful it is that she is open minded and willing to be a devoted grandmother no matter what. Richard's mom loves babies of all kinds. She doesn't care who's baby it is, she is drawn to them and loves to cuddle with them. I know she and Richard's father will love our child no matter what. Richard's brother and his wife just want us to have a family already so their kids can grow up with ours. They could care less how we get them. So any scenario will be okay. I will one day be a mother, either through the donor program or through adoption. For now I am going to let myself dream a little bit. I am going to imaging seeing the little heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor. I am going to picture my and Richard's reaction the first time we feel the baby kick and am going to imagine loving what is growing inside of me like I have never loved before.

Well I went to the clinic for my fist US/BW (ultrasound & blood work) today for this donor cycle. They told me everything looked "great." I also heard the us technician say to the nurse "5.8 and a few on the right that are less than and the left is pretty flat." So I am guessing that means my uterine lining is 5.8, the right ovary has a few follicles and the left one doesn't have any follicles (that's the one that doesn't do shit bc it was reconstructed...awesome!). I also got my schedule and the embryo transfer is scheduled for the 24th, 25th or 26th of July depending on how my donor stimulates. She is scheduled to start shooting up on the 7th.

Looks like I start shooting up tonight with Lupron...WHOOHOO!

Richard thinks he saw our donor the other day at the clinic when he went in for blood work. He said she was pretty and fit and nicely dressed. Anyway, I am glad he told me but it really hit home that I am actually letting another woman into my relationship with my husband to have a baby. WOW! I have always been good at sharing, even as a baby according to my mom but this is a strange...oh well, I guess whatever it takes. At least we have a donor and I have a "gorgeous uterus" and we have good chances.

I've been reading a lot of people's blogs that I found on Ariella's site. I am so impressed with what I have read so far. It amazes me that people who are going through so much can still beautifully and eloquently elaborate on how they are feeling. I tend to slip into denial mode and clam up. I hope to find someone who has been through as many cycles as I have that ended up with a live birth. I need that hope. I love the birth control pill, it makes me into a raving lunatic. Thank God I have Resolve tonight, I feel so emotional and overwhelmed.

Something Positive

A little bit about my donor:
She is a proven donor, has cycled before and produced a live birth, is in her early 20s, a nursing major, has big brown eyes, brown hair, is extroverted, is not a complainer, describes herself as extroverted, kind, friendly, helpful, well organized, calm and sympathetic. She enjoys skiing, reading, cooking, traveling, arts & crafts. Her motivation is that she wants to give couples that could not otherwise have the chance to conceive.

Help

Anybody know how to move my pictures from the very bottom of the page to the left side bar?
I know I am a dork but I am new to blogging!

History

Warning: this may be way too much information (TMI) for some and is not for the faint of heart:

I should probably give some more history since what I have written so far is only half the story.
In 1996 (23 years old) I was diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome) and had to have emergency surgery. In surgery the doctors (who called me the little girl with the huge cyst) had to remove a grapefruit sized cyst from my left ovary and to reconstruct the ovary since the cyst had actually grown through my ovary.

The next time I noticed that I had PCOS was in 2000 when I was experiencing serious pelvic pain constantly and finally went to the doctor. August of 2000 I had a laparoscopic procedure where my doctor found multiple cysts (of course), some endometriosis and some adhesions from my first surgery.

The next time I had surgery was February of 2002 just before I married the love of my life Richard. This time my doctor found fewer cysts than in the previous surgery, hardly any endometriosis and no adhesions. I have never heard of endometriosis clearing itself up but he apparently thought mine did.

My husband and I married in March of 2002 and started trying to conceive right away because we had already been together for 2 years. By trying I mean we used zero contraceptives. When we did not conceive by 2004 we decided to move to ART.

First we tried IUI (IntraUterine Insemination) with Femmera (Letrizol) and became pregnant on the very fist try. I went in for a pregnancy test and it was positive. They told me to come back for more tests and to confirm my progesterone levels which looked kind of low. I went back and they were concerned. They did an ultra sound and could not find a heart beat. We miscarried around 6-7 weeks. I was devastated because I was too naive to expect it. I thought since we did so well and got pregnant on the first try we were good to go. We had told the entire family, started talking about names and making plans.

We tried IUI 3 more times but those procedures failed.

So we went to a near by clinic and were told that we needed IVF. Dr. T told us we should start right away because time was of the essence since I was not getting any younger and my FSH was highish (around 8 or 9). This was in June of 2006 - so I slipped into denial mode for about 7 months.

It took me until January of 2007 to start the first IVF cycle. I started taking Lupron and stimulants like Follistem and lots of it. Initially they started me on like 350 per day but when my estrodial number ( the number that tells them how mature the follicle that drops the egg is) did not increase fast enough they increased my stimulants to 450 in the AM and 450 in the PM. That's a lot of Follistem and caused major headaches. Eventually the doctor said my follicles were too few and too small and that my estrodial was not high enough and he pulled the plug on the cycle. As a side note he said my endometrial stripe was a perfect halo at 13 (which means I have a good baby carriage). I did not make it to retrieval. So we did an IUI with the cycle and I had one positive pregnancy test but could not reproduce the result. In other words every test I did after that one was negative.

Did I mention the fact that I was working 60+ hours a week as a product specialist during this time? Every Friday I had to stand up in front of roughly 75 -100 people and present the newest products the company was launching. Anyway my point is that I was totally stressed out!

We went back to the doctor and he told us we should use donor eggs if we wanted to get pregnant any time soon and that our chances went from 20-30% with my own eggs to 80 - 85% with donor eggs. I felt very conflicted about using a stranger's eggs and allowing a 3rd person into my marriage. So I slipped back into denial for a while.

I waited until early October of 2007 to start again. Dr. T told us that our chances of conceiving with my own eggs were only like 20 - 30% but I am a hard head and I had to try. I just wanted so badly to experience raising a creature that Richard and I created together. This time the same thing happened with stimulation. I had more follicles than the last time and they were larger but my estrodial numbers were still really low. Eight days in the doctor was ready to pull the plug again. I asked him for one more day and... boom... my estrodial number almost doubled. From there I did pretty well. Understanding that they want your estrodial around 2500 - 2800 (I am told) here were my stats:
Day 4 of stims: 105
Day 5 of stims: 259
Day 6 of stims: 298
Day 7 of stims: 407
Day 8 of stims: 436
Day 9 of stims: 860
Day 10 of stims: 1433
Day 11 of stims: 1872
Day 12 of stims: 1978
Day 13 of stims: 2585

I thought it was a miracle! My follicles had grown and even my "sleepy" ovary, the one they reconstructed in 1996 had 4 follicles on it and one of them was over 18mm. By the way "sleepy" is code for "this ovary doesn't do shit!"

Understanding that they want your follicles to be at least 18mm and you have to have at least 5 of those to go to retrieval (where they take them out of you to inseminate in a petri dish and put them back in 3 -5 days later), here were my stats:
Right ovary:8 follicles (6 greater than 18mm)
21.5mm
19.5mm
18.5mm
21mm
21.5mm
23mm
14.5mm
16mm

Left ovary(the "sleepy" one): 4 follicles (1 greater than 18mm):
20mm
13.5mm
less than 10
less than 10

So all total I had 7 that were over 18mm and 2 more that would catch up by the day of retrieval which was two days after these stats were taken. So I should have had 8 or 9 eggs drop from these mature follicles you would think, right? Wrong! I went to retrieval and they got 5 eggs. I woke up and they told me and I bawled like a baby. Then they called me and said of the 5 only 1 fertilized properly - more bawling - but that on a scale from 0 to 4 my embie ( I guess at this point) was a grade 3. The third day I got there for the transfer and they told me my embie grade dropped to a 2 - more bawling! So I went to bed for 4 days. I only got up to go pottie. I painted Christmas tree ornaments with my mom. I watched movies. I ate like a pig and then I got up at day 5. I was incredibly bored and restless so I went to my sister's in Florida. At the two week mark I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I could not believe that my one little grade 2 embryo had implanted...even though all along I have been told that my uterus is "gorgeous". My endrometrial stripe for this cycle was 12. So I took 8 more pregnancy tests and they were all positive.

I went in for a blood pregnancy test and it was positive. They told me to come back the next day to see if my levels were doubling and I did. The next day they called and my numbers had not doubled they had gone up but not doubled. I went in the next day for another blood test. They called and said my numbers had leveled out and I should expect the miscarriage to start soon. It didn't. It took a while.

I have blocked some of this out but somewhere between 8 and 9 weeks I miscarried again. I was devastated but not as badly as the first time. We had told family members but reminded them to be cautiously optimistic like we were.

In the midst of all of our efforts to conceive close family members started trying. They started after our first miscarriage and got pregnant pretty effortlessly. So did my sister who has always been very supportive of me. Unfortunately some of the other family members are supportive but since they have never dealt with infertility do not completely understand the gravity of their comments and actions. So just to relate to some of you who have replied to my posts or whose blogs I have read through other people's blogs...here goes.

Insensitive Actions and Comments:

1. After my first miscarriage a close family member got pregnant. We went to dinner with her and her husband and asked them to please be sensitive of our feelings because while we were happy for them we were hurt because we had tried so hard to become pregnant too. She sent me her 3D streaming video of her ultra sound at work and I cried like a baby. This was 5 minutes before I had to give a class to 100 people on microchips. Remember that the last time I mentioned ultrasound in this post was when I referred to the one I had where my baby had no heart beat. She meant no harm - she was excited about her pregnancy and she wanted to share. More importantly she did not want to leave me out...people who have never dealt with infertility just don't get it.
2. The same person came to my home, said she was hot, lifted up her shirt and rubbed her naked pregnant belly in front of me. She meant absolutely no harm, she was hot...they don't get it.
3. Later someone close to me called me and said we needed to go buy baby sheets for said pregnant person mentioned above. I can't even look at a onsie and she wants me to go baby sheet shopping?...they don't get it.
4. So I go to said person's baby shower and someone wants to see the streaming video of the ultrasound on the plasma TV. I looked at her and said "I can only take so fucking much" and I left...they don't get it.
5. Later when this person had her baby I was standing outside of the hospital room waiting and listening. Two older close family members were there and when the baby cam out and let out the first cry I cried. I asked the two women standing there if I was the only dork crying, why they weren't crying and one of them replied "because we've already had our babies." Again, they don't get it.
6. So after the baby is born close family members bring the baby to work for everyone to see. Unfortunately my husband and I both work there so everyone comes into our offices to ask us when we will start trying to have a baby...people don't get it.
7. During my second IVF cycle the people listed above that got pregnant easily the first time moved up their schedule. They actually tried to get pregnant while we were doing IVF the second time because they wanted their baby to be born when ours was so our children could grow up together. We only had a 20 - 30% chance of getting pregnant and having a live child. They really, really just don't get it. So now they are pregnant and should have their baby when my dead baby would have been born. I am disgusted but I can't be because they love me and my husband and they really just don't get it.

Yo Mommy?

I went to the grocery store today to find that you can now buy yogurt for pregnancy...great but what about us who have been trying for 6 years and are still not pregnant? I am so bitter. I used to not be such a bitter person. I have got to change my attitude before I start shooting up this Thursday. I want to be positive but I have had so much disappointment that I am afraid to have too much hope. I really want to go into my empty nursery and paint the walls with the stencils I purchased but I am feeling ridiculous for having the nursery set up in the first place. It's been sitting empty for the past 6 months...am I crazy? Initially I thought it would be best to set it up for the home study because then the adoption agency and everyone involved would realize just how ready we are to be parents. Now I feel like it makes me look desperate. I'm going to try to cheer up but I feel emotional and negative.

One Week In

Well I have been on the birth control pill to sync up with my donor for one week now. I feel emotional but centered. I am afraid and anxious but excited to get started. I want this to work so badly. I had given up on the idea of having a biological child after my last miscarriage this winter. We submerged ourselves in the adoption world answering profile questions, putting together family pictures and finalizing the documentation. This is new hope because we have never done IVF with donor eggs. We tried and failed the last two times with my eggs, we only had a 20% chance of success anyway. Dr. T says we have approximately 85% chance of success with donor eggs since my uterus is "gorgeous" and fluffs up to a 13 lining (with an e-string only of course). So this time I don't have the same doubts and sense of dread. Not to say that this is a sure thing but I feel so much better about it than I did the other cycles. I want to try this because I want to be sure. If this does not work out then at least I will not always wonder if it would have. Maybe our baby will look like Richard.