Super Scary Days!

WARNING: THIS IS GOING TO BE A VERY GRAPHIC POST! YOU MAY WANT TO STOP HERE IF YOU GET SQUEAMISH ABOUT BODILY FLUIDS!
Believe it or not, even though I use fowl language and periodically go off on emotional rants, I was brought up not to discuss bodily fluids and the like in mixed company. Since every body in the world who has access to a computer could potentially read this post I am going to consider that mixed company. Unfortunately though, there are other women out there who are experiencing infertility. I owe it to them to be honest and detailed. If just one infertile woman out there needs this information then it is worth throwing etiquette out the window.
Here goes: yesterday I spotted just a little bit. It was very light brown and only the size of a dime in my panties. No other blood came for the rest of the day - not even when I wiped. Still, I was alarmed to say the least and I had a feeling there would be more. So I called my husband, who is in Las Vegas for a trade show right now trying to work, and told him. He seemed to think everything would be okay. Late last night I felt like I had the flu. I had joint and muscle aches along with the chills. This morning I got up and was getting ready to go to my clinic for a 5th beta, I just wanted to make sure since I had the spotting yesterday. While I was standing there putting on my makeup I felt a gush of blood. When I wiped it was bright, crimson red and of course I panicked. I peed and saw more red blood in the toilet. I wiped again and again and each time came up with bright, red, fresh blood. I put on a pad and finished getting ready. My mother-in-law called to check on me and I told her the news. She has been giving me my shots since Richard left town on Tuesday, so she knew about the spotting yesterday. My mother then called and I told her the news also. Both my mother and my mother-in-law insisted on going with me, they didn't want me to be alone. I am very grateful that they were with me. We went to the clinic and the nurses were very supportive. They said that this happens with a lot of their IVF patients and everything can still turn out okay. They took blood for my 5th beta. I asked if I could have an ultrasound since technically I am 6 weeks tomorrow. They asked that I come back tomorrow at 3:00 and recommended that I go home, get in bed and put my feet up. So here I am, back in the bed. I will stay here for 9 months if it means I get 1 live infant. I was getting ready around 10:00 AM when the bleeding, not spotting, started. If I had to guess I would say that there was enough volume there to cover the surface area of a thin Always pantie liner. Since then, 5 hours have gone by and the blood has turned to a dark chocolate brown. My pad has a stripe of dark brown blood in it that is roughly the width of a pencil and approximately 3 to 3.5 inches in length. My clinic just called with my numbers and they are 15,214. My last beta was Saturday (4 days ago) and my beta was 4253. My numbers look "great" according to my clinic. But I am so fucked in the head right now all I can think is, "what if this morning before I started bleeding they were higher?"
This could be so many things. It could be that my body is just changing a lot and my uterus is trying to accommodate the new being(s) inside. It could be the beginning of a single or double miscarriage. It could be none of the above. All I can do is wait. I've stopped crying, begging and negotiating with God. This is not up to me. Lots of my friends have responded by telling me tales of people they know who had bleeding in their first trimester and still had a live birth. For now I will hold on to those stories and my more than stellar number. I will stay as calm as I possibly can and stay in bed. I know I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, maybe I deserve this, but I still want a family more than anything.