History

Warning: this may be way too much information (TMI) for some and is not for the faint of heart:

I should probably give some more history since what I have written so far is only half the story.
In 1996 (23 years old) I was diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome) and had to have emergency surgery. In surgery the doctors (who called me the little girl with the huge cyst) had to remove a grapefruit sized cyst from my left ovary and to reconstruct the ovary since the cyst had actually grown through my ovary.

The next time I noticed that I had PCOS was in 2000 when I was experiencing serious pelvic pain constantly and finally went to the doctor. August of 2000 I had a laparoscopic procedure where my doctor found multiple cysts (of course), some endometriosis and some adhesions from my first surgery.

The next time I had surgery was February of 2002 just before I married the love of my life Richard. This time my doctor found fewer cysts than in the previous surgery, hardly any endometriosis and no adhesions. I have never heard of endometriosis clearing itself up but he apparently thought mine did.

My husband and I married in March of 2002 and started trying to conceive right away because we had already been together for 2 years. By trying I mean we used zero contraceptives. When we did not conceive by 2004 we decided to move to ART.

First we tried IUI (IntraUterine Insemination) with Femmera (Letrizol) and became pregnant on the very fist try. I went in for a pregnancy test and it was positive. They told me to come back for more tests and to confirm my progesterone levels which looked kind of low. I went back and they were concerned. They did an ultra sound and could not find a heart beat. We miscarried around 6-7 weeks. I was devastated because I was too naive to expect it. I thought since we did so well and got pregnant on the first try we were good to go. We had told the entire family, started talking about names and making plans.

We tried IUI 3 more times but those procedures failed.

So we went to a near by clinic and were told that we needed IVF. Dr. T told us we should start right away because time was of the essence since I was not getting any younger and my FSH was highish (around 8 or 9). This was in June of 2006 - so I slipped into denial mode for about 7 months.

It took me until January of 2007 to start the first IVF cycle. I started taking Lupron and stimulants like Follistem and lots of it. Initially they started me on like 350 per day but when my estrodial number ( the number that tells them how mature the follicle that drops the egg is) did not increase fast enough they increased my stimulants to 450 in the AM and 450 in the PM. That's a lot of Follistem and caused major headaches. Eventually the doctor said my follicles were too few and too small and that my estrodial was not high enough and he pulled the plug on the cycle. As a side note he said my endometrial stripe was a perfect halo at 13 (which means I have a good baby carriage). I did not make it to retrieval. So we did an IUI with the cycle and I had one positive pregnancy test but could not reproduce the result. In other words every test I did after that one was negative.

Did I mention the fact that I was working 60+ hours a week as a product specialist during this time? Every Friday I had to stand up in front of roughly 75 -100 people and present the newest products the company was launching. Anyway my point is that I was totally stressed out!

We went back to the doctor and he told us we should use donor eggs if we wanted to get pregnant any time soon and that our chances went from 20-30% with my own eggs to 80 - 85% with donor eggs. I felt very conflicted about using a stranger's eggs and allowing a 3rd person into my marriage. So I slipped back into denial for a while.

I waited until early October of 2007 to start again. Dr. T told us that our chances of conceiving with my own eggs were only like 20 - 30% but I am a hard head and I had to try. I just wanted so badly to experience raising a creature that Richard and I created together. This time the same thing happened with stimulation. I had more follicles than the last time and they were larger but my estrodial numbers were still really low. Eight days in the doctor was ready to pull the plug again. I asked him for one more day and... boom... my estrodial number almost doubled. From there I did pretty well. Understanding that they want your estrodial around 2500 - 2800 (I am told) here were my stats:
Day 4 of stims: 105
Day 5 of stims: 259
Day 6 of stims: 298
Day 7 of stims: 407
Day 8 of stims: 436
Day 9 of stims: 860
Day 10 of stims: 1433
Day 11 of stims: 1872
Day 12 of stims: 1978
Day 13 of stims: 2585

I thought it was a miracle! My follicles had grown and even my "sleepy" ovary, the one they reconstructed in 1996 had 4 follicles on it and one of them was over 18mm. By the way "sleepy" is code for "this ovary doesn't do shit!"

Understanding that they want your follicles to be at least 18mm and you have to have at least 5 of those to go to retrieval (where they take them out of you to inseminate in a petri dish and put them back in 3 -5 days later), here were my stats:
Right ovary:8 follicles (6 greater than 18mm)
21.5mm
19.5mm
18.5mm
21mm
21.5mm
23mm
14.5mm
16mm

Left ovary(the "sleepy" one): 4 follicles (1 greater than 18mm):
20mm
13.5mm
less than 10
less than 10

So all total I had 7 that were over 18mm and 2 more that would catch up by the day of retrieval which was two days after these stats were taken. So I should have had 8 or 9 eggs drop from these mature follicles you would think, right? Wrong! I went to retrieval and they got 5 eggs. I woke up and they told me and I bawled like a baby. Then they called me and said of the 5 only 1 fertilized properly - more bawling - but that on a scale from 0 to 4 my embie ( I guess at this point) was a grade 3. The third day I got there for the transfer and they told me my embie grade dropped to a 2 - more bawling! So I went to bed for 4 days. I only got up to go pottie. I painted Christmas tree ornaments with my mom. I watched movies. I ate like a pig and then I got up at day 5. I was incredibly bored and restless so I went to my sister's in Florida. At the two week mark I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I could not believe that my one little grade 2 embryo had implanted...even though all along I have been told that my uterus is "gorgeous". My endrometrial stripe for this cycle was 12. So I took 8 more pregnancy tests and they were all positive.

I went in for a blood pregnancy test and it was positive. They told me to come back the next day to see if my levels were doubling and I did. The next day they called and my numbers had not doubled they had gone up but not doubled. I went in the next day for another blood test. They called and said my numbers had leveled out and I should expect the miscarriage to start soon. It didn't. It took a while.

I have blocked some of this out but somewhere between 8 and 9 weeks I miscarried again. I was devastated but not as badly as the first time. We had told family members but reminded them to be cautiously optimistic like we were.

In the midst of all of our efforts to conceive close family members started trying. They started after our first miscarriage and got pregnant pretty effortlessly. So did my sister who has always been very supportive of me. Unfortunately some of the other family members are supportive but since they have never dealt with infertility do not completely understand the gravity of their comments and actions. So just to relate to some of you who have replied to my posts or whose blogs I have read through other people's blogs...here goes.

Insensitive Actions and Comments:

1. After my first miscarriage a close family member got pregnant. We went to dinner with her and her husband and asked them to please be sensitive of our feelings because while we were happy for them we were hurt because we had tried so hard to become pregnant too. She sent me her 3D streaming video of her ultra sound at work and I cried like a baby. This was 5 minutes before I had to give a class to 100 people on microchips. Remember that the last time I mentioned ultrasound in this post was when I referred to the one I had where my baby had no heart beat. She meant no harm - she was excited about her pregnancy and she wanted to share. More importantly she did not want to leave me out...people who have never dealt with infertility just don't get it.
2. The same person came to my home, said she was hot, lifted up her shirt and rubbed her naked pregnant belly in front of me. She meant absolutely no harm, she was hot...they don't get it.
3. Later someone close to me called me and said we needed to go buy baby sheets for said pregnant person mentioned above. I can't even look at a onsie and she wants me to go baby sheet shopping?...they don't get it.
4. So I go to said person's baby shower and someone wants to see the streaming video of the ultrasound on the plasma TV. I looked at her and said "I can only take so fucking much" and I left...they don't get it.
5. Later when this person had her baby I was standing outside of the hospital room waiting and listening. Two older close family members were there and when the baby cam out and let out the first cry I cried. I asked the two women standing there if I was the only dork crying, why they weren't crying and one of them replied "because we've already had our babies." Again, they don't get it.
6. So after the baby is born close family members bring the baby to work for everyone to see. Unfortunately my husband and I both work there so everyone comes into our offices to ask us when we will start trying to have a baby...people don't get it.
7. During my second IVF cycle the people listed above that got pregnant easily the first time moved up their schedule. They actually tried to get pregnant while we were doing IVF the second time because they wanted their baby to be born when ours was so our children could grow up together. We only had a 20 - 30% chance of getting pregnant and having a live child. They really, really just don't get it. So now they are pregnant and should have their baby when my dead baby would have been born. I am disgusted but I can't be because they love me and my husband and they really just don't get it.