Glucophage, Ethics Class, Resolve & My Family

Glugcophage:

Something I have left out of earlier posts is the fact that after my third lap surgery on my ovarian cysts my doctor put me on Glucophage. He said it helps some people who have PCOS ovulate regularly and could therefore increase my chances of getting pregnant. This was before any ART measures we took. So, I started on glucophage and shortly there after we did our first IUI and got pregnant. I had always been told that should I become pregnant I must come off of the glucophage, so naturally after the first time I found out I was pregnant I stopped taking it. Then I miscarried. When I told my doctor that I came off of the glucophage he said, "oh no, you were supposed to stay on it for the first 12 weeks." I am not even going to go into the guilt I felt over this...I'll save that for another day. Is there a correlation? Nobody has ever been ever to tell me definitively. So, here recently my doctor (GP) has told me that he thinks I may be on too much glucophage and that I have never been diagnosed as diabetic so he ran a bunch of tests. My liver readings came back high. So I am now charting my blood sugar for the first time since I started taking glucophage in 2004. I have been slightly decreasing the amount I normally take. I know it is stupid to be messing with my body right now but eventually (after 12 weeks) I would have to come off the glucophage anyway so why not wean myself off of it now if my blood sugar stays stable?



Ethics Class:

Monday morning I am scheduled to speak to a group of students in a college ethics class. The topic is reproductive technology and how it has affected my life. I hope to educate as many people on this subject as I possibly can for two reasons. One, maybe those who are not infertile will have a little more empathy for those that are (very selfish, yes I know). Two, maybe I will inspire someone who is denying the fact that they may be infertile to take some action before it is too late. Since this is an ethics class I must be ready for questions regarding "God's work" and the like. I think I can handle that one. If God didn't want me to take unnatural measures to become pregnant why did he give people the tools to get to the point where they could help me do just that? Maybe God doesn't want me to be a mother...how do I explain that to my heart?



My Resolve Meeting Last Night:

At the meeting we discussed many topics. One was what it would be like for my friend to kiss her little baby girl's lips when she gets her home (she is adopting from a foreign country). She is so ready to be a mother and it is so obvious to everyone that she will be an awesome parent. Another was what decisions I may be faced with in the weeks to come. If my donor stimulates well and we have many high quality embryos to choose from, how many will I put in? Well, for some that is an easy one...1, maybe 2, maybe even 3. For me this one is really hard because if I put in 3 and they all take it could be dangerous to the health of the babies or me and I am really uncomfortable with selective reduction. If I put in 2 and they both fail I will always hate myself for not putting in 3 or more. See where I am...totally confused! On the other hand, I may not have to face any of these choices because there are no guarantees that the donor will stimulate properly - much worse scenario. What about frozen embryos? If my donor produces say 10 eggs that fertilize properly and are above average embryos, I put some in and cryo freeze the others, right? Statistically frozen transfers have lower success rates. So do I put 5 fresh in a freeze the other 5? I am not sure about any of this...I better get there before the end of next month...tic toc.



My family:

My mom and sister are so incredibly supportive. They don't care how we become parents they just want us to be happy. That is so priceless. I can't imagine what it would be like if they were close minded about the donor cycle or the possibility of adoption. My sister even offered to give me her eggs...I can't imagine a more precious gift. I refuse to put her through the pain and ups and downs of fertility though. Not with two children ages 4 and 1 to take care of, no way. That is too selfish, though I considered it for a while. My mother is so eager to help me, too but she doesn't realize how helpful it is that she is open minded and willing to be a devoted grandmother no matter what. Richard's mom loves babies of all kinds. She doesn't care who's baby it is, she is drawn to them and loves to cuddle with them. I know she and Richard's father will love our child no matter what. Richard's brother and his wife just want us to have a family already so their kids can grow up with ours. They could care less how we get them. So any scenario will be okay. I will one day be a mother, either through the donor program or through adoption. For now I am going to let myself dream a little bit. I am going to imaging seeing the little heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor. I am going to picture my and Richard's reaction the first time we feel the baby kick and am going to imagine loving what is growing inside of me like I have never loved before.