Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Donor Egg Baby Books
I got the three baby books I ordered on donor eggs. I like certain aspects of all 3 but don't necessarily like all of any of them. So, I decided to write my own story. I would really like to have it illustrated and published, too but who knows if I'll ever really put myself out there like that. Thank God we are able to have a baby this way. The glass is half full - we are going to be parents and it is all because of donor eggs. Are you ready for the but? But...if I am honest, I am a little sad that we have to tell her about uteruses, seeds, eggs and cells as a baby (by baby I mean under 5). And yes, we do have to tell her. I have read about children who are the product of egg or sperm donation and what their reaction is like when they find out as a teenager. It's terrible. They feel like they were a dirty little secret, like their parents lied to them and they generally have an identity crisis. I'd rather her 'always' know then to have to find out because of a medical reason or something and then decide I am not trustworthy (frankly if I lie to her about this surely she will wonder what else I have lied to her about all her life) and I'm not related to her genetically. My doctor recommended that we NEVER tell ANYONE about her beginnings. We agreed at first that was the best way to handle it. Then our family started asking questions and I had a problem lying to their faces...I just couldn't do it. How could I lie to hers, she is innocent in all of this and I am not ashamed. I am sad the she will know she is somewhat different. She wasn't adopted, she wasn't conceived the normal way: she is in fact somewhere in between. She is loved though already and she is wanted. She will know what it is like to be part of a family that cherishes her.
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10 comments:
You will know what to do when it is time. If you like you can start telling her little story (a tiny part of which is different) right away - she will just love your voice and then you can see how you like to tell it. Then it will just be part of her life from the beginning. But maybe that way isn't for you - just remember you are doing this with love and it will be fine.
Also, if you want to make a book just for you - there are several sites you can publish your own book. Some places you can get just one or a few copies (obviously this is more expensive per copy than ordering 1000). Check it out, and you could have your own customized DE book!
I think you are right. If I just start telling her the stories (I actually wrote 2) now then they will always just seem like a part of her life and she'll put it together when her mind can. I will look into the publishing because it sure is easier to explain with pictures. Thanks!:o>
If you write a book, I'd love to read it! As you know, I'm struggling with this whole issue right now - do we tell or not. Since we are just at the very beginning of the process, we are not telling anyone for now, but that may change as we get farther along. It's just something that I can't get my head around. I agree with you that it would be terrible for the child to find out later in life. I'm just not ready to tell family/friends yet and then I'm not sure exactly how you would explain it to your child. I was thinking of looking for the books on the subject myself - but it sounds like the ones out there may not be that great? I'm glad you are in a comfortable place about all this.
I think donor eggs are a miraculous breakthrough. So many adoptive mothers lament on how they missed out on pregnancy, breastfeeding, etc.
This makes it all possible for some women!
You grew this baby, your blood is what nourishes her, she is yours, that one little cell you got from someone else was just a starting point. She is all yours!
Just checking in to see how you are doing. I see you are feeling like all pregnant women do in their third trimester. Tired!
Good luck, get some rest!
Jen
HI, I'm new to your blog but always glad to read about another mother via donor eggs. I also plan on having our child(ren) always know from the beginning but I am not telling anyone else about it becasue I want my child to have some privacy. I'm be more comfortable letting everyone know and not having a secret but I worry about people prejudging my child and my family. I want them to get to know her and not be using the lens of "donor".
But that's just me. I admire your openness about it.
How interesting that your doctor told you not to tell anyone about your use of donor eggs. That is so very much not what we plan to do. Everybody in our lives has known about my infertility and our struggle and I want them to know about the wonderful technique that, G-d willing, will allow me to have a baby. We also plan to tell our child abut this from very early on. Yes, he or she will be different, but, done early will allow it to be part of his or her norm and prepare him or her for the future.
Riley - thanks! You are welcome to read them but they are probably no better than what's out there. There's probably nothing at all wrong with what's out there...I think it's just me.
Jen - doing good and thanks for checking in. All of that is true but some donor conceived people don't see it that way. I am just starting to read more stories from their perspective and it is scary.
Peeveme - it's probably best that you don't tell everyone, I am probably stupid to be as open about it as I am but I've needed the support. I live in a small town so all I can do is HOPE she doesn't feel the ramifications. For right now though it is my story to tell. When she is older it will be up to her whether she wants to or not. I admire your forethought for your daughter.
Lisa - I agree, I am just scared...this is unchartered territory in a lot of ways. Nobody I know IRL has been through this. I don't know anyone IRL that was conceived because of donor eggs or sperm. I just want a family and I want my child to be happy.
As a teen I took care of twins and then a younger sister who were the product of a sperm donor, then in college I took care of another set of twins who were from a egg donor, the first set knew they were from a donor the second set of twins didn't. All now are grown and all know. The first set are much more self confident and did not go through the identity crisis the second set did. I 100% think you are making the right choice.
Hi-
What books did you purchase? I wrote/illustrated a book to explain donor eggs to my son called "Mommy, Was Your Tummy Big?" You can view the entire book on; http://www.carolinanadel.com/DonorEgg and purchase a hard cover copy on Amazon.
It started out as a softcover "print on demand" on lulu.com E-mail me if you have questions about publishing your own.
Thanks!
Carolina
cnadel999@yahoo.com
Missed you today! Hope it is because you are holding a sweet little bundle!
You are definitely doing the right thing by wanting to be honest especially given that other people know details. Trust me . . . people never cease to amaze me on just how damn stupid they can be. Trust your daughter to trust you.
As a adoptive mom of my Vietnamese Little Dumpling, I can promise you one thing . . . Pregnancy and all that comes with it do NOT make a mom. After holding my daughter and caring for her every need, I KNOW that the vehicle of bringing a child into my life had little meaning. . . it was the moment I told her I loved her for the first time and all that I do as her mommy every day.
It takes a special kind of woman to face the conversations that will come up and to let our children have their feelings without making them think their feelings aren't valid in order for us to make it easier on ourselves. I know you can and will be forthright and sensitive to her needs and emotions that will arise. When the time comes, you may also want to talk with adoptive moms for some of their feedback on their conversations. It may help give you some ideas on what to expect from your daughter as far as questions and feedback.
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